Mrs Under the Staircase in The Shire from a Galaxy far far away 36 years-old In a relationship
Today, I found out my awesome new boyfriend loves a show called Happy Tree Friends, about cutesy animals dying horribly. When I say "loves", I mean he masturbates to it. I'm running very fast and very far away now. FML
Today, my boyfriend went to the aquarium. We were noticing the fishy smell, and I had made a comment about it. Then my boyfriend slowly, and seductively whispers into my ear, "It sort of reminds me of how you smell." FML
Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML
Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML
Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML
Today, while lying in bed with my fiancé, we were talking about how we'd rather die, if given a choice. I said, "I want to die in my sleep next to you." His response? "It'd be sexier if you were on top of me with your face between my legs." Cute, honey. FML
Today, I found out my 15 year-old daughter is sexually active. I found out by finding her in our bedroom with a boy from her class, using one of our condoms. Her dad hasn’t spoken or moved from the kitchen table in over 30 minutes. I think he’s so mad his brain glitched and got stuck. FML
Today, I got a call from my son’s teacher, saying that he raised his hand during a test to say he "couldn't focus, because the ‘metroids’ are harassing me.” Apparently, he forgot about the test and took a healthy dose of shrooms right before. FML
Today, my mom filled out a Facebook post called, “If your kid was named after your pregnancy cravings, what would their name be?” Apparently my sister would be “Passion fruit and coal dust” and I’d be “Mint sauce and butt sex.” What the hell kind of cravings are those? FML
Today, I got home and found my babysitter furious and my 5 year-old exhausted from crying. Normally he chooses to wear Disney princess dresses but today his grandma came for a visit, saw what he was wearing, told him he was bad, and forced him to wear trousers. I’m ready to kill the bitch. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend with a prostitute. The prostitute actually got mad at me for yelling at him, because the few times he’s hired her, all he asked for was talking and cuddling, never sex. Her advice was I need to step up my emotional intimacy, because he’s clearly not getting it from me. FML
Today, after surgery on my penis, I’m on drugs to prevent erections. My girlfriend now thinks it’s hilarious to walk around naked, bend over in front of me, and do other sexy stuff, because she knows I can’t do anything to her and it’s killing me. In three weeks, her ass is mine. FML
Today, as part of my dad's campaign to force me to move out, he has decided that he is now a nudist. As soon as he gets home every day, he strips and sets his meat and potatoes free to swing in the breeze. I want to move out, desperately, but I can’t afford to. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was having one of the best poops of my life. I woke up feeling very content and relaxed, until I rolled over and realised it wasn't a dream. FML
Today, it's been a week since my husband woke up with what the hospital says is transient amnesia. He’s lost about 15 years of memories and thinks he’s in his 20’s. We’ve only been married 5 years, and dated 3 years before that, so he has no idea who I am, has no idea his parents are dead, or who our son is. FML
Today, my wife and I had zero interest in being parents, so she's on the pill and I always wear a condom, but now, with my vasectomy less than a week away, she somehow got pregnant and decides she wants to keep it. FML
Today, my mom texted me to let me know that my wife and I are no longer allowed to visit her house together, because she doesn’t want it to appear like she’s OK with queer relationships, but she’s OK if we visit one at a time because she still wants to see our son. FML
Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing, and having lots of kinky sex with, I’m talking "confess to a priest or take to your grave" kind of kinky, is actually my cousin who moved abroad when she was two years-old, and only just recently moved back here. FML
Today, as the shop is right round the corner, and I couldn’t be arsed changing, I kept my boob tube on under my jacket. Of course, at the shop, I slipped on spilled water and as I went down the tube came down as well, and I ended up lying there with my tits out for a group of teenagers to laugh at. FML
Today, my mom suggested that her brother, my uncle, walk me down the aisle at my upcoming wedding, since my dad passed away last week. My uncle molested me since I was 8 and my mom never believed me, even to this day. She tells me to, “stop being an ungrateful bitch,” since he’s chipping in for the wedding costs. FML
Today, my wife and I are having marital/intimacy issues. My 72 year-old mom basically told me to touch my wife, to hug her more, caress her lovingly, and pat her bottom, etc. Thanks mom, I'll grab her ass, that'll make it all better. FML
Today, as part of his quest to annoy me, my husband pointed out that for every Disney movie I love, it was someone on the animating team's job to animate the boob jiggle physics, as in it was literally their job to animate how the breasts of Ariel, Elsa and Belle move. So many movies ruined. FML
Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML
Today, I learned that there is no way to talk your way out of getting caught drunkenly wiping your ass on your best friend’s sister’s pillow, even if you yell, “SURPRISE!” FML
Today, I came early from my job, just to find my boyfriend in bed, with my dad. FML
Today, after a particularly nasty shit, I decided to do one extra pass with a diaper wipe. What I didn't realize was that my wife had refilled the normal container with a pack of Clorox wipes by mistake. My asshole has never burned so fiercely in my 30+ years of life as it did in those following moments. FML
Today, during oral sex, my wife squirted, which she’s never done before, and I was so surprised I accidentally breathed it straight up my nose. It’s been 3 hours and it’s still all I can smell FML
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