caldwell, US 30 years-old Single
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML
Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML
Today, I had to use antiperspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML
Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML
Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML
Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML
Today, I was suffering from a persistant, irritating itch on my butthole. Worried, I took a picture with my iPhone to get an idea of what was causing said itch. I never found the source, but my Mum and grandmother did, on the iPad. Thanks, Photo Stream. FML
Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML
Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML
Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had them. The first time was after my cousin opened a car door in my face. This time a jock punched me in the mouth for saying that Reese's taste the same as Snickers peanut butter. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML
Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML
Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML
Today, I went to see a dinosaur exhibition with my mum. We walked around and saw a huge dinosaur, made of plastic and rubber. She was very disappointed, saying that she thought there would be real live dinosaurs for us to see. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML
Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML
Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML
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