30 years-old
Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML
Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML
Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML
Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML
Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked him if this was his happy place too. He said, "Nah, it's in pussies." FML
Today, my buddy told me he was going to get an HIV test at the health department. Without thinking, I told him to "think positive". FML
Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML
Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML
Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML
Today, I was walking to the kitchen in the dark. Something caught my eye and I turned to see a man standing in the corner, clear as day. I jumped and closed my eyes for a split second. When I opened them, he was nowhere to be seen. I'm now terrified to live in my own home. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML
Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML
Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML
Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML
Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML
Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML
Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML
Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML
Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML
Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML
Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML
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