Toronto, Canada 30 years-old
Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML
Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML
Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend." The worst part? I said yes. FML
Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML
Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML
Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML
Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML
Today, as I was running from the cops I jumped behind a bush to hide. Turns out it was a massive thorn bush. I later had the most painful shower I have ever experienced. FML
Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML
Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML
Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML
Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML
Today, my boss asked me what language I was speaking. I was clearly speaking English, but apparently, "indifferent" is too big a word for him to understand. I don't know how he got into a management position. FML
Today, I started at my new waitressing job. Our uniforms have the name of the restaurant on the left chest pocket. My first customer asked me what the other boob was called. FML
Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street. As I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers, or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML
Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML
Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML
Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML
Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out I'd grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML
Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML
Today, I was in the bank with my seven year-old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say, "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
Today, I was at work at a local hot dog chain. A child (about 10, who I've seen there before) came in to order food for his Dad. He orders very excitedly, and I told him he'd be a great worker here when he gets older. He said "oh no, my Dad says I'm too smart to work in a place like this." FML
Today, was my birthday. My friends love to play pranks on me, so when I entered the door for my surprise party, I became aware of the surroundings. There was nothing. Everyone was staring as I slowly entered the room. When I closed the door behind me, a freaking bucket of pee fell all over me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML
Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says, "What's a pronoun?" FML
Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML
Today, I turned 30 years-old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML
Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML
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