becare

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

Sing!

Today, after the church service was over, my two year-old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang "Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

Today, my boyfriend of five years gave me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me or do anything more than glare at me during the entire three hour drive we took this morning. Why? Because I slept with his best friend. In his dream last night. FML

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

Out of shape

Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML

Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML

Drunk twit

Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother, you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML

Heckler hell

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall. FML

Broke

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

Yes problem

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

Dates that matter

Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

The Office 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML