Peters Creek, Alaska
Today, me and my friend are sitting here on fmylife.com while our boyfriends are out clubbing. FML
Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent, causing the girl to scream and run away. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML
Today, I found out that not only has my father been cheating on my mother with another woman, but they have a child together with the same name as me. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML
Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML
Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML
Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML
Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML
Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML
Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML
Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML
Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML
Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML
Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML
Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML
Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML
Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML
Today, I checked over my notes from yesterday's midterm review so I could study for the test on Monday. It seems I was so exhausted, I'd done nothing but scribble unintelligibly all over the first page. FML
Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML
Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML
Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML
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