kitkatjoy_96

Today, my boyfriend was truly upset because I refused to pee on him. FML

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

Today, I logged on to my Gmail account and to find that my brother had sent my math teacher a picture of Bigfoot peeing into a urinal. Using my account. FML

Today, I have a huge crush on my best friend who views me as his little sister. My coworker found out and has since been making incest jokes. FML

Today, I was, once again, yelled at by multiple tourists because I don't speak their language, even though they could neither speak English or Norwegian. They also yelled at me for not accepting Euros. Norway is not a part of the European Union. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he loved me for the first time in a way I'll never forget. In fact, his exact words were, "You're not the only one that I love." FML

Today, my mom got so desperate to find me a woman, she went to see a medium. I don't have the guts to tell her I'm gay. FML

Today, I woke up to my husband peeing on the floor. He managed to pee in two open clothes drawers and on the pants I was going to wear to work tomorrow. Before I left earlier he promised he wouldn't get smashed tonight. FML

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

Today, my bitchy manager got back from vacation. To be nice, I asked her how it was. She said "not long enough". I mumbled "I agree". She definitely heard. FML.

Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

I hate it here

Today, I was feeling a little bored so I decided to go outside for once. Living in Florida is nice and all, except for the fact that right now I'm putting ice over two snake bites. FML

Today, my husband offered to do the weekly grocery shopping. Because he has never done the shopping before, I made him a list of what we needed and other optional foods to give him an idea of what to get. He came back with a week's worth of ramen noodles and 2 litres of soda. FML

Today, it's again one of many times my mom dropped me off at the mall to hang out with friends. Since I have no friends, I shop by myself and always tell her I had "so much fun". FML

Today, the guy I like finally called to ask me to go grab a drink with him. I just moved six hours away. FML

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

Today, I was wondering why my cheap and overall great apartment had been available for so long. After some research, it's now pretty clear: my landlord is, apparently, a well-known slumlord. FML

Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

Today, while driving to a client's home, I received a text. Since I loathe those who text and drive, I pulled into a convenience store's parking lot. While I was texting, a car sped into the lot, rear-ending my car. FML

Facebook used to be cool

Today, my friends told me they have been able to see all my BDSM likes in their Facebook feeds. My family and coworkers also follow me. FML

You're in the army now

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

Today, I gave my boss two weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

Today, in the class I'm teaching, I assigned my students an essay to complete for homework. One student asked me if I was deducting points for bad spelling. I teach English. FML

Today, not even 10 minutes into my job as a student teacher, I've had one student wipe boogers on me, another pee their pants, and a third won't stop crying for his mother. This is my first day. FML