37 years-old
Today, I had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. Too bad it put me in the hospital with a slipped disc and a concussion, and yet I just know me and the violent lady in question will probably do it all again at our next date. Good thing my health insurance is paid up. FML
Today, my dad farted loudly at the dinner table, mom called him a disgrace of a human being, dad called her an uptight cow, she slapped him, and 10 minutes later they were upstairs having sex. This isn’t even that unusual, this is just Wednesday night dinner time. FML
Today, my husband is divorcing me, leaving our 4 children behind because, and I quote, “She’s 22, 5’3 with perky tits and ass, you don’t find women like these often.” I asked him three times if he was serious. He said, “As serious as a heart attack.” FML
Today, a sex phone worker asked me if I was alright and recommended I get some kind of therapy. FML
Today, while I was mid-act with my girlfriend, my mom unlocked my bedroom door and came in shaking maracas. She then handed them to my very shocked girlfriend and told her these were the "Busted maracas" and directed her to pass them along accordingly. Well, at least our first time was memorable… FML
Today, I was eating lunch in my car. There was a cute guy, also in his car, who kept smiling at me and winking with a cheeky grin. I considered giving him my number but his girlfriend suddenly sat up from having her head in his lap, wiping her mouth. He was getting a blowjob the entire time. FML
Today, a blind guy asked me out, but since I'm already in a relationship I politely declined, saying, "Sorry, I'm already seeing someone." FML
Today, my son asked his mom about sex, so she talked about love, marriage, God, affection and all that bollocks, missing the point that he wanted to know about having good sex since he has a girlfriend now, so I explained all the wet, squishy practical bits of sex. Now my wife is mad at me. FML
Today, after a year and a half of sticking to my new wife’s “no-sex-before marriage” rule while we dated, she brushed me off while I tried to consummate the marriage. Apparently, she’s not ready to have kids yet and “semen will get the sheets dirty.” Guess I’ll be jerking it on my honeymoon. FML
Today, I bought a huge 1kg bag of catnip and told the delivery driver to just leave the package inside the door. They then left me a soft plastic bag full of catnip. Guess who came home to two stoned cats and a messed up house… FML
Today, my boyfriend really gets off hearing me talk about previous sexual experiences in extreme detail while we are having sex. I have run out of real stories, so now I just make stuff up, but it's getting hard keeping track. FML
Today, while cleaning my vehicle at the car wash, the vacuum cleaner found a new purpose. As I twisted around, the mouth of the hose made its way down to my crotch and latched on. It definitely wasn’t painful, but I’ve now been sucked off by a vacuum. Best yet weirdest blow job ever. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years finally agreed to marry me. As I went on with the proposal, her Grandma tried rejecting me by saying, "These guys have gangster friends." FML
Today, my wife and I finally got in touch with a therapist to deal with the fact that our daughter resolutely believes in Santa, despite being told by everyone and by common sense that he is made up. Before you make mad comments, be aware she is 17 and has no mental disorders we are aware of. FML
Today, I moved my dad's chair to look for my phone, but forgot to put it back. When my dad came back, he tried to sit down in the area where his chair usually is, but instead fell down on the floor, yelling, "YOU MOVED MY CHAIR!" FML
Today, I was so horny, I decided to meet up secretly with a guy after having dinner with family. We went for a night drive and he parked somewhere to go down on me. The dude was sucking the life out of my clit, almost biting it off. Good thing my mum called and I had a reason to escape the ordeal. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my husband of 6 years told me he has a 5 year-old. In fact, she was conceived the night before our wedding. Apparently, the “one last time fuck as a single man” with his female bestie was too good of an opportunity to pass up. He doesn’t get why I’m not speaking to him. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. His mom didn’t know much about it, and she walked in on us. After about 5 minutes she came back up, threw a box of condoms at us, says, "Continue" and walked out. We were still fucking while she was in the room. FML
Today, I finally had sex with my husband and orgasmed. Three hours apart from each other. FML
Today, I’m dating a petite girl, and I've had fantasies of picking her up and fucking her in midair. I attempted to try this fantasy last night. I'm now in the hospital with broken and bruised ribs and tailbone. FML
Today, I got an X-ray and the nurse happened to mention the old break in my leg. Mom always said it was my twin brother who'd broken his leg. Can you see where this is going? I have now confirmed that at some point mom mixed me and my brother up, so we’ve being using each other’s names for 35 years FML
Today, a local liquor store gave me a holiday gift for being such a great customer. They're not the first ones to do so. FML
Today, I left my MacBook Pro on the kitchen counter, so my mother later ran it through the dishwasher, thinking it was a “lovely apple chopping board”. FML
Today, it started off as a good day, until my guy friend called me in the middle of me turning my vibrator on. He was crying so I couldn’t finish. FML
Today, I went skiing with a friend of mine. He went first. I heard a loud *THUD* and went to investigate. When I went past him, he yelled, "I ran into a tree. I don't feel so good!" He said it in such a defeated and humorous way, that I crashed into a tree myself because I couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend back to my place, but my abusive, homeless dad, who I haven’t spoken to in a year, had broken in to have sex with some woman in my front room, before both passing out on heroin. My girlfriend saw my dad's penis and drug stuff, and left me to clean him up. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I've heard some weird reasons before, but "My future self told me to" is a new one. FML
Today, I received an invitation to a Happy Hour happening tomorrow. It's at 6 a.m. How am I supposed to drink at 6 a.m.? FML
Today, I found out that my husband has been seeing another woman and my 16 year-old daughter once caught them while I was at work. She didn’t tell me about it because she was enjoying all the hush gifts, shoes, purses, and the payments for her BMW X3. FML
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