Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML
Today, my fiancée was asleep, so I decided to spoon her from behind and cup her boobs to wake her up nicely. She responded by yelling, "THE TOAST!" and elbowing me in the face whilst still asleep. FML
Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML
Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML
Today, I discovered that the "hot, slutty, woman" my roommate has been dating is my mom. FML
Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML
Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML
Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML
Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML
Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML
Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML
Today, I was introduced to the girl my current boyfriend went out with while dating me. FML
Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML
Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend. He got up, shut the blinds and turned around to say, "I don't usually shut the blinds, but no one can see this." Assuming we were going to have sex, I took my pants off. He asked me what I was doing, then sat down to eat an entire tub of ice cream. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend the exact moment I fell in love with him: when we made eye contact in a crowd on our fifth date. He asked if I wanted to know what he was thinking at that moment. I then found out it was, "I really hope she can't smell that fart." FML
Today, my boyfriend of nearly six months broke up with me. Over text. In a group chat. With the new girl he wanted to date. FML
Today, I saw the guy I've been seeing passing by my dorm. I called out to him, but he covered his ears and crossed the street. Well, at least I have ice cream in my fridge. FML
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