Anaheim, united states of america
Today, I discovered that there is nothing wrong with our snowblower. I live in Alaska and for the last 10 years I have been shoveling our long steep driveway because I thought the snowblower was broken. Reality? My mother has "never been able to get it out of the shed." FML
Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML
Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML
Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML
Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML
Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML
Today, my friends decided it would be funny to give me a "hickey" with a vacuum cleaner while I was passed out drunk. Not only do I have to try and explain this to my girlfriend, but we're meeting her parents for lunch this afternoon. FML
Today, I went to the ER for severe pain in my abdominal area. The doctor comes in after looking at the CT scan and says, "Well it's not your appendix." Thinking I'm in the clear I say, "That's Awesome", the doctor then responded with "It's probably your testicles." FML
Today, I was walking up to girlfriend's house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic, I surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and I watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriend's mom in the face. FML
Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in and there was a note that said, "Stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML
Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks, "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML
Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML
Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks, "Can I lick your leg?" FML
Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML
Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses' station, I heard them talking about "the bastard in room 303." I went on to visit my husband… in room 303. FML
Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML
Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML
Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML
Today, I gave a carpet shampooing demonstration in a stranger's home. To my surprise, the white expensive carpet was dyed grey due to something in the solution. The owner held me hostage in her house by barracading the door until my manager got there. FML
Today, I picked up my 17 year-old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said, "So, you're the daddy?" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a hoe and me a perv. FML
Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML
Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML
Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML
Today, I was walking down the strip with a friend when we saw a homeless man with no arm. I felt bad, so I gave him some cash and I looked into his poor little eyes when he put out his arm for a hug. Without thinking, I hugged him. Right as I was thinking, "WTF am I doing?" he kissed my boob. FML
Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML
Today, I was talking with a close friend (who is a virgin) about why he didn't want to have sex with a prostitute. He told me that, "It's not nice to know that the girl you are having sex with has slept with half the country." He then added, "That's exactly why I wouldn't have sex with you." FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in the parking lot right before a baseball game, then convinced me to still go to the game in tears. After the game, we were walking back to the car and he goes, "So, how about some break up lovin'?" FML
Today, I found out my husband had bought my one year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML
Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML
Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5 mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh… I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
