Today, my sister and I went to visit my grandma. She looked at my sister and said, "You are just so skinny! You need to eat more cookies!" She then turned to me and said, "You should lay off the cookies!" FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML
Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML
Today, at dinner, I was talking to my parents about a movie quote. I couldn't remember what movie it was from. Then I remembered. It was a porno. FML
Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML
Today, I went on what I thought was my fifth date with a guy. We finally got intimate and it was amazing. As soon as it was over, he said : "Sorry babe, I should get going. I have a date tomorrow and I'd hate to be tired for it." FML
Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML
Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML
Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML
Today, as I was at Starbucks writing a paper, a man came and sat next to me. He started staring at me, then I noticed his hands were down his pants. It was noticeable that he was masturbating, so I went to tell a worker. They just said, "He's a regular" and didn't do anything about it. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML
Today, my husband answered a FaceTime call from his mother not 30 seconds after sex. I was naked in bed next to him. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been "left behind". I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML
Today, my mother warned me that if I ever have anal sex I will die. I'm 28. FML
Today, I became my one night stand's shrink as he went through the process of realising he might be bisexual. FML
Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML
Today, it's the sixth day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML
Today, I had to face up to telling the cute guy I just split up with that I have also probably given him pubic lice. FML
Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML
Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML
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