laurenk2012

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML

Today, I decided to be healthy and go for a run. I broke my ankle. FML

Today, my wife told me she'd rather bust up concrete than get it on with me. FML

Cool moves, dude

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I approached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML

No refunds

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

Today, I woke up naked, duck-taped to the wall, with no memory of last night. FML

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that my vagina looks like Yoda. FML

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

No signal

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

Today, while trying to look cute and playing with my hair in front of a boy, I pulled a piece of my hair extension out. FML

Today, I checked the app I had used during the night. It's supposed to record you while you sleep if you make any noise, and I had downloaded because my friends say I snore. The only noise it picked up was my parents having sex. FML

Today, my book bag was so heavy that it set off my car's passenger detection system in the front seat. I had to buckle in my textbooks. FML

Today, my 2-year-old cat finally decided to start catching mice. Like any other cat would, she left it for me to find. I found it in the middle of the night, as my bare foot rolled its guts out of its ass. FML