The Top

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By IHaveTwoOwies - 06/10/2017 13:00

Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 080

You deserved it 408

By tbrown0089 - 10/08/2016 21:49 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in seven months. We hit it off really well, having a lot of things in common. The only thing we don't have in common is a tan line from a wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 429

You deserved it 1 171

tbrown0089 tells us more.

tbrown0089 16

Sunday 4 September 2016 5:55

Hi op here! I'm only twenty. I have plenty of time to date. This happened months ago anyways. I have an amazing boyfriend now. And yes I was single for seven months. You would too if you catch your ex sleeping with your cousin. It was a wedding ring and he is still happily married with a baby on the way.

By lostmykeys - 03/08/2016 22:44

Today, it's my birthday. I share it with a guy I've been seeing for over six months. I showed up with a handmade pie and a gift bag. His ex-girlfriend accepted it for him, as he was busy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 315

You deserved it 947

lostmykeys tells us more.

lostmykeys 4

Friday 9 September 2016 20:03

Follow up - He was back together with her and neglected to tell me. He was having a dinner date with her when I arrived, so I kind of handed over the gifts and walked away. and cornyrob - Super funny you'd mention the wedding singer. That's his favourite rom-com. Although in this situation, my adam sandler was most definitely aware his Linda was around. It really kills me that this made it onto the FMLs.

Picture game

By Anonymous - 01/12/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 2 224

By Anonymous - 13/02/2014 15:47 - United States - Kennett

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 540

You deserved it 53 142

By Pseudo - 21/06/2016 05:33 - France - Vitry-le-fran?ois

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 343

You deserved it 1 554

By Bambi113 - 09/06/2016 19:07 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 991

You deserved it 919

By Revelyn - 03/06/2016 22:18 - United States - Compton

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 155

You deserved it 2 014

Take care

By Buyingagun - 08/04/2020 05:00

Today, I looked out the window just in time to see a coyote carrying off my cat that I had just let outside five minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 368

You deserved it 576

Sorry, eh?

By snakes44 - 27/05/2018 19:00 - Canada - Yellowknife

Today, I let my dog out to go pee before heading to bed. She just stood there and looked at me, so I let her back in and went to sleep. I later woke up to a wet sensation on my back. My dog let out a full bladder all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 200

You deserved it 633

Do ya think I'm sexy?

By wifelyduties - 17/04/2020 14:00

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 232

You deserved it 389

By Anonymous - 08/05/2016 08:42

Today, my daughter asked me to take her to Victoria's Secret so I could buy her some "sexy clothes". She's 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 809

You deserved it 2 672

By Ted, E. Vic - 01/05/2016 05:39 - United States

Today, my roommate admitted he spent his half of the rent money on a tattoo. It's all good though, we're just gonna get evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 208

You deserved it 1 733

Demon

By Spooked - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 949

You deserved it 7 281

By LennyFace134 - 07/08/2018 22:00 - Canada - Burlington

Today, my "friend" returned my Survival Edition of Fallout 3. I should be happy, but he scratched it all to hell. My dad paid nearly $500 for it. He refuses to pay for it to be fixed or buy me a new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 354

You deserved it 791

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 23:40 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 276

You deserved it 2 816

Scandalous!

By mustanggt - 04/09/2018 16:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I got marked down in a performance review for not being able to keep my relationship with a coworker a permanent secret. I think if her engagement ring hadn't given it away, eventually the baby bump would've. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 907

You deserved it 441

By Boyufd - 09/09/2018 03:30

Today, knowing that I have severe arachnophobia, my brother brought over his friend's tarantula. One hour later, the spider got loose. It's been 5 hours and I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 935

You deserved it 242

Great surprise

By Deployed - 07/12/2019 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 730

You deserved it 196

By :/ - 12/03/2016 11:36 - Australia - North Lakes

Today, I talked to my high school sweetheart after 12 years. He confessed that he's been single ever since we broke up, never got over me, and that to this day he loves me dearly. I'm a married mother of two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 984

You deserved it 2 607

By Anonymous - 17/01/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 470

You deserved it 4 978

By Why me. - 20/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 659

You deserved it 239

It's bad for your health

By Anonyme - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - France - Lyon

Today, Murphy's law didn't check out: my piece of toast didn't fall on the side covered in a spread of jam. However, when I leaned against the corner of the table to pick it up, I knocked a full ashtray on top of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 167

You deserved it 7 060

Big farmer

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 615

You deserved it 1 268

It's getting old, Nan

By sick of this shit - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my grandma got drunk, tried to change the TV channel with my Xbox controller, and slurred at me to fuck off when I told her it wasn't the remote. She pulls this kind of crap way too often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 251

You deserved it 1 629

By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 270

You deserved it 407

By cacheson - 21/11/2018 01:04

Today, as a kindergarten music teacher, my principal came in to observe and evaluate me. I thought I'd gotten the hang of managing 23 5-year-olds, but it was a zoo the whole 30 minutes and I didn’t manage to teach anything. I'm not sure I'll be keeping this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 471

You deserved it 369

cacheson tells us more.

cacheson 41

Tuesday 20 November 2018 20:59

Yes, and after working on my classroom management strategies for younger kids my teaching is going much better now.

By hotmommy - 20/12/2010 00:23

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 275

You deserved it 6 645

By Pithegreat - 06/01/2016 04:48 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 658

You deserved it 2 038

Stealth

By smellyhair - 02/11/2014 11:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 151

You deserved it 3 871

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The Top

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 137

You deserved it 39 955

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mess around at my workplace's parking lot. Things got hot and steamy, but in the middle of it all, there came a bang at my car window. My frantic boss had seen us and thought I was being attacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 081

You deserved it 28 869

Today, after my therapist told me I should open up to my friends more, I sent a message to a pen-pal and told her that I had asked for and found help with my postpartum troubles. She replied that I'm a bad friend for "always burdening her with my problems." FML

I agree, your life sucks 422

You deserved it 101

Today, nothing changed. Today was the same, and I feel like I'm in a dark comedy version of the movie Groundhog Day meets The Truman Show. I hate dark comedies. I want my life to be canceled… I mean, this movie to be canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 235

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year-old son came up to me and asked if he could "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereal. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 174

You deserved it 4 268

Today, my boyfriend of three years decided to propose. It would’ve been perfect, except he did it during my family’s annual backyard BBQ, and his proposal was drowned out by my drunk uncle singing karaoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 418

You deserved it 94