Today, I found out that the huge project I've been working on for the past week is actually a group project. Everyone in my group knew. They were just letting me do the entire thing by myself because I'm "smart". FML
Today, a total Karen climbed into my passenger seat and told me she was going to give me a bad Uber review for being late. I ain’t no Uber driver, but she refused to believe me. I had to call the police to get her out of my car. They had to taser her to get her out. FML
Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML
Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told." FML
Today me and my boyfriend were in an adventurous sexual position and as I started to orgasm he slipped, landed awkwardly and dislocated both my hips, while I was in the middle of an orgasm. Somehow the pleasure of the orgasm made the pain worse. I don't think I'll ever want sex again. FML
Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML
Today, I was telling my dad that scientists had discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all BS and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML
Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML
Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML
Today, my 10-year-old son's friend googled his name and found breastfeeding pictures that I had put on a personal website when he was 2 days old. Now he gets laughed at, and his friends all saw pictures of my breasts. FML
Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML
Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML
Today, I discovered that the fire alarm in my building will go insane when I'm trying to cook chicken, but won't make a sound when my towels start actually burning on the radiator. FML
murtato tells us more.
murtato 15
Oh, it was posted! Op here, my now ex put the towels on the radiator after showering. I can't describe how much I yelled at him after having to put it out. Safe to say I'm never letting him back in again!
Today, I decided to drink a tea that I was told is good for regulating the intestine and losing weight. I was drinking it all day. This evening, while on a dinner date with my crush, I suddenly felt some action in my belly and ran to the bathroom. I stayed in there for a half hour and when I finally came out, he was already in the car. FML
Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML
Today, it seems like everyone in my family knew about my boyfriend's new engagement, all except me. FML
Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML
Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML
Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my stepfather's new phone. FML
Today, my stupid coworker informed the managers that there were no more kids' menus downstairs. Trusting her word, they ordered 3 full boxes. She then asked me where we kept them. We now have 12,000 kids menus to fold. FML
Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML
Today, I found a parking spot in front of my work. I parked and another car pulled into the spot just in front of me. The next thing I know, the car in front backs up and slams into my car. Turns out she didn't notice the fire hydrant next to her spot and screamed at me cause I, "stole her spot." FML
Today, I sent a Snapchat the girl I've been flirting with all week. Her response was the back of her Coke Zero, which had the quote "You've Got a Friend in Me." I got rejected by a soda can. FML
Today, my parents are forcing me to take my brother with me when I hang out with my friends. This wouldn't be that weird if my brother wasn't 26. FML
swervelol tells us more.
swervelol 28
Lmao op here! I didn't think this would actually get posted! Here's the follow up. I'm 17 and my brother just moved back home from Minnesota so he doesn't have a whole lot of friends here. My brother and I get along great I just thought it was funny that my mom didn't want my brother to feel left out so she makes me bring him with when I want to go hang out with my friends. It's pretty awkward for my friends and I but I don't mind as long as my mom doesn't expect me to start bringing him with me everywhere. He's 26 not 11!
Today, I finally got to see the professional photographs taken at the wedding I recently attended. I can't find a single picture of myself that I like. I was the bride. FML
Dediti tells us more.
Dediti 8
Hey guys: OP here. You're probably right to a degree about it being my issue. I'm not the most confident, I gained a lot of weight and I was hospitalised 2 days before the wedding so I was pretty ill. On the other side of the coin the photographers insisted on some outside photos and it was raining that misty rain... so my hair and makeup were ruined. The photos are all very natural and taken as you see them, not much in the way of editing so flaws are there for all to see. The girls were lovely and I've seen some of their other work and it was stunning. I guess maybe I don't have a flattering angle! Some of my guests candids were alright so I'll use those.
Today, my parents came back home from a one-week trip, during which I didn't let any friends over, so I could keep the house clean. Now my parents say they'll never leave me home alone again because the house is "too clean" and I must have thrown a party while they were gone. FML
justinkoch tells us more.
justinkoch 26
For those who are wondering I didn't throw a party not only because my parents did not want me too, but because my friends are destructive when they drink and have you ever seen a party with out alcohol I also kept the hose clean so that hopefully they would trust me and I could throw a party in the future
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years is leaving me for someone he met once at graduation 2 days ago. Apparently it was a magical "love at first sight" experience. FML
Today, I was fired from my job for "lack of work". What that means is that my boss hired his good-for-nothing lazy son, who then got too big of a mortgage, and he had to let me go to pay him a higher salary. FML
Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML
Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML
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