Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML
Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML
Today, I was trying to be sexy and sent my new boyfriend a nude. Before we started dating, I had hooked up with three of his friends which he was super insecure about. Somehow I accidentally sent it to a group chat which included five different people besides us. All of those friends were in it. FML
Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML
Today, I was showing the Instagram of my crush to my cousin. He double-tapped the picture, thinking it would zoom it in. It was posted 5 months ago. FML
Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML
Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML
Today, my period started two weeks early. I had the option of either making my connecting flight and bleeding through the entire two-hour trip, or buying tampons and missing it. Four hours until the next flight. FML
Kuromaus tells us more.
Hey, OP here. A few things I couldn't put due to word limits: the flight I was getting off was coming in late due to weather. I literally had one minute to get to the gate once off the plane. The connecting flight had started loading at the same time we landed. On top of that, the crew to dock us were having issues and delayed us in getting off. I wouldn't have even had time to stop at a bathroom on the way. The gate I needed to get to was upstairs. Since it was a delay out of my control, I did get moved to another flight for free, it just happened to be the latest one heading back to home. I could have probably made it to (or barely missed) last call if I hauled it but I was not going to do that while bleeding. I didn't know that airplanes had amenities like that in the bathroom. I've never actually been in one, and it was only my second time flying. (That toilet paper trick doesn't work for me, mine is too heavy, sadly.)
Today, I failed my nursing clinical for, "being too nice". FML
Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found out that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breathes on my neck. Just when I was about to finish, he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck and ear, and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML
Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML
Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight." FML
Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML
Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML
Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML
Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML
Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML
Today, a woman threatened to stab my eyes out because I wouldn't let her into the shop I closed and locked up half an hour ago. FML
Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML
Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML
Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your minge?" FML
Today, I am one year away from getting a university degree. Unfortunately, my parents just kicked me out because I wouldn't drop out and work for free at our family's gas station. I'm now broke, homeless, and have no way to pay for school. FML
Today, I was eating M&Ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see me with my hand on my crotch while angrily muttering, "Where's that little bastard gone?" FML
Today, a man sat next to me on a train carriage, despite various empty seats. During a weird conversation, I told him that I'm on my way back from London after seeing a friend from Germany there. He goes on to talk about Nazis and, with one arm in the air, asks me if he's doing the salute right. FML
Today, I decided to act on my therapist's advice and ask my crush out. She turned me down because I'm apparently too much of a downer. The reason I have a therapist is because I'm depressed. FML
Bleiz_fml tells us more.
Bleiz_fml 18
I just want to say thank you for all of the love and such. Just getting y FML published made me excited a little! And to all the people saying that the girl is "not worth it" and stuff like that, we are still good friends and I get where she was coming from. Like multiple people have said, dating someone that has a mental disorder can be tough (especially if said person has multiple, such as ADD and an anxiety disorder I forgot the name to). Anyways thanks for the support and all..
Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML
Today, I looked out the window just in time to see a coyote carrying off my cat that I had just let outside five minutes before. FML
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