Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML
Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML
Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML
Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML
Today, after weeks of watching car after car of solo drivers go by in the carpool lane every day, I decided to join them. I'm the one who got pulled over. FML
Today, I woke up to find that my acne has lined itself beautifully in a perfect 'L' shape in the centre of my forehead. FML
SeriousJoker72 tells us more.
Hahahahaha! Maybe I'll make that my Halloween costume!
Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML
Today, while walking to work, I saw a homeless guy with a funny "NEED MONEY 4 BOOZE" sign, so I gave him a few spare dollars for his humor. On my way back home, he was out cold on the sidewalk with several empty bottles beside him. Whoops. FML
Today, I had a customer tell me how much she regretted not aborting her expected child, how much she hates the father, and described to me in immense detail what it is like to pee while pregnant. All within the 30 seconds it took me to serve her. FML
Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML
Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML
Today, I was going down the elevator in my dorm and a friend joined on another floor. He then thought it was a good time to tell me that he'd slept with my girlfriend when the elevator got stuck. Worst 40 minutes of my life. FML
Today, I was trying sell a customer a top-of-the-line surround sound system. Apparently he was aware that I work on commission, as he threatened to buy the system elsewhere unless I sang Rebecca Black's "Friday" in front of the whole store. Goodbye, self-respect. FML
Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML
Today, a small fly flew straight up into my nose. I spent 10 minutes trying to blow/scratch/pick it out to no avail. I can still feel it moving. FML
Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl I like. Afterwards, I drove her home, and we just sat there awkwardly. I thought she wanted to kiss me but was nervous, so I jokingly said, "What're you waiting for? Christmas?" I guess she took that as a "Get the hell out", because she broke into tears and left. FML
Today, the canteen of the company I work for introduced a cash-less payment method to purchase food. To use it, employees must download the app, which is only available for iPhones. I have a BlackBerry. FML
Today, I met a girl who had a deeper voice than I do. FML
Today, like every day, I woke up at 3 in the morning because my roommate needs "a three hour warning" before his real alarm goes off. His alarm is a constant beeping noise which he always ignores for a good 10 minutes before finally getting up and turning it off. FML
Today, I was playing around on Photo Booth, using weird effects on pictures of myself. I clicked on one and thought to myself that it was a really ugly effect. Then I noticed that it was set on normal. FML
Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML
Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML
Today, my grandpa pointed me out to one of his friends, saying, "Yeah, she's the ugly one." FML
Today, my vibrator was in another room and I was too lazy to get it. I was also too lazy to do it manually. It's like I've been married to myself for too long. FML
Tattery tells us more.
Tattery 2
I am so chuffed something finally went through, haha. The funniest thing is I actually eventually did so it by hand, then about an hour later, got my vibrator and did it all over again. The other funniest thing is that other than my boyfriend, I can't share my achievement at getting something posted. I'm so pleased but it can't show anyone else, haha.
Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML
Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML
Today, I was walking my dog when he decided that he was too lazy to continue walking. It ended up with me looking like a crazy dog lady carrying my medium-sized dog home. FML
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