Today, I saw one of my employees sipping from a beer bottle at work. I marched to his desk, snatched the bottle, and said, "Drinking on the job? You're fired. Get out." I then looked at the bottle. It was kombucha. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend but she refused. Why? Because instead of asking her, “Will you marry me?” I asked her to “be my wife.” She flew off the handle because “my wife” suggests she would be mine, like ownership, like domestic slavery. I don’t want to marry her anymore; she’s nuts. FML
Today, my mom kicked me out of the house because I missed my curfew and overslept at my boyfriend’s house. She said she’d let me back in on one condition: that I was still a virgin. My boyfriend’s parents won’t let me live with him. I’m currently staying in the Walmart restroom. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to look up something on his phone. I jokingly asked him, “You’re not worried about me discovering your side bitches?” He got upset and angrily said he didn’t have any. I took his defensiveness as an indication of guilt and dumped him. Turns out he was right, he didn’t have side chicks. FML
Today, a woman flipped her shit, screamed that I’m a pervert, and swore she’d have my ass for asking her to remove her bra. I’m a nurse and she was in the clinic for a fucking breast exam. I swear people get dumber by the day. FML
Today, I fell asleep at my boyfriend’s house and missed my curfew. It’s almost 4 a.m. Scrambling, I arrived home to find the locks changed. On the door knob was a note: “Go live with your boyfriend, you slut. See if he cooks and cleans up after you. I’ll help you move out your stuff in the morning. - Mom” FML
Today, it's been weeks since my teenage kids have walked the dog I got them; they also don’t play with it, pay it any attention, or feed it. It’s all been me, so since I never wanted it in the first place, I gave it to a friend of my mom's. My kids now think I’m the devil and my husband says I overreacted. FML
Today, I decided it was a good day to get my first tattoo since turning 18. Today, my parents decided it was a good day to make me homeless, because they are religious nutjobs that still live in the 19th century. Oh, and they’re no longer paying for my tuition. FML
Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML
Today, my brother is about to move to a new house, all because last week I played a prank on him. I made him believe that I crashed my car and had to sell his things to pay for the damage. He's no longer talking to me, or acknowledging me as a sibling anymore. FML
Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML
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