Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML
Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML
Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML
Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML
Today, I expressed my feelings to a guy I've liked for a long time. He basically turned me down because I have the same name as his mom, and dating me would be too weird. FML
Today, I went to my crush's house. We were watching a movie when suddenly he started kissing me. As it deepened he began to feel around. He was groping my armpit the whole time but I was too embarrassed that my underarm could pass for my boobs to redirect him. FML
Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML
Today, I helped my fiancé pack up and head to Texas for a business trip. I'm not only going to miss him, but I'll also miss my car keys that I accidentally left in his car. I drive for a living. FML
Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I started to panic. My teacher suggested that I should say whatever popped into my head. I blurted out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML
Today, really desperate to get a job, I filled out an application for a dishwashing job. My application got tossed out, because I'm not an economics major like the other guy applying for the same job. FML
Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML
Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML
Today, I have an infected piercing because I'm allergic to the metal. My ear is so swollen that I can't remove the jewelry. It won't get better until I'm able to remove the jewelry. FML
Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML
Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML
Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss's office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML
Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML
Today, during a dinner party, some friends brought up how sweet, innocent and caring they thought I was. I had to sit there as my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that I was neither sweet nor innocent, and really nothing that special at all. FML
Today, I needed to take a dump at school. As soon as I sat down, somebody else walked in. I'm extremely poop-shy, so I was forced to wait for several minutes while they styled their hair and applied makeup. After they left, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then someone else walked in. FML
Today, my dad let me borrow his phone while I wait for mine to get back from the shop. I guess he forgot to pass the news along, because within 4 hours I'd received a picture of my mom's tits. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I was doing upper body workouts and decided to ask a very large muscular man to spot me while I did bench presses. As he stood over me, I saw two beads of sweat roll off his nose. One hit me on the cheek. The other landed in my open mouth. FML
Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show, and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half-naked. FML
Today, I was out with my boyfriend, when he started browsing wedding rings. He found a ring, proposed to me right there in front of a crowd, and then was promptly denied a payment plan. We left without a ring. FML
Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML
Today, I realized my favorite pen advertises a vaginal cream. I've been letting people borrow it for months. FML
MrConcise tells us more.
MrConcise 35
Here's how it went down: The previous shop owner retired just before I started working at my job. I took over his office, but he left a lot of shit behind. Besides, when you find a pen that actually works, you don't look too far into it. I suppose the girl riding the moped should've tipped me off a little sooner, though.
Today, my vehicle's transmission shifter moves freely without shifting gears. I'm stuck in park, in a parking lot, unable to even put it into neutral to push the vehicle out of the way of several parked cars. The old lady screaming at me just outside my door doesn't understand logic either. FML
Tarlachia tells us more.
Tarlachia 33
OP here. A little backstory... The vehicle I was driving is my work vehicle- a professional carpet cleaning van. I had driven the van to a job, realized there were no available parking spots to back it into and was thus forced to park it in the street and blocking two vehicles. I pulled the cleaning hoses and supplies to clean the apartment, finished the job, wrapped up and got back into the van. Only then when I shifted to 'drive' did the problem make itself known. Yes, it is an automatic. Not sure as to what was happening mechanically, I called our company's mechanic and it took him over an hour to get to me with the necessary part- a tiny little pin that pulls the shifter between gears and only takes a few minutes to replace without having to take it to a dealership or repair shop. So, in that hour long wait, an old lady came out to drive her vehicle to a store. As luck would have it, her vehicle was one of two that my van was blocking. She asked me to move the van, to which I replied that I couldn't as it was stuck in park. I explained I couldn't even shift it to neutral to push the vehicle out of the way. I explained I was waiting on someone to come help me. That made her day, and she started screaming at me for several minutes. Logic has failed to defuse the situation and since I am not a Vulcan and cannot sleep hold a bitch, I, treasuring the security of this job to provide for my family, chose to then get back into my van, roll up the window, and said "**** it. Time to FML." She left to go back inside after a few minutes. About 20 minutes later, the mechanic showed up, fixed my van, and I was back up and running to finish the day's work.
Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't share food after I tried taking a chip from him. I made popcorn that night, and when he tried to take some, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't share food" to get him back. His response? "I can tell." FML
Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML
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