Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML
Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML
Today, the AC broke in the kitchen of the restaurant I work at. Temperatures reached over 100 degrees and one of my coworkers nearly passed out. Our boss accused us of being "dramatic" and only let us step out after I collapsed. I need this job too badly to quit. FML
Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML
Today, I got home to three boys riding bikes out in front of my house, smiling at me. I instantly thought they were checking me out, so I smiled sweetly at them. Turns out they were flaunting the fact that they just stole all 3 of our bikes. FML
Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML
Today, while vacuuming my new apartment, I farted a few times. After my last fart, I turned to find my super-hot neighbor standing at the door. Panicking, I asked in a "I-didn't-just-fart-my-ass" tone, "Oh hi! Been standing there for long?" She replied, "Since your initial rip." FML
Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML
Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML
Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML
Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML
Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML
Today, at the pool, I tried to impress the hot lifeguard by doing the perfect dive. Afterward, I realized my shorts were floating through the water. FML
Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML
Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML
Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML
Today, I am pregnant, sober, designated driver, and puke cleaner. Yay for the New Year! FML
Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML
Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML
Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML
Today, while I was shopping at a store with my friend, I noticed a cute girl smiling at us. My friend said, "She's all yours," and walked away. When I approached her, she asked me if my friend was single. FML
Today, my wife heard that Wi-Fi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the Wi-Fi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML
Today, I went into a crowded store and tried out a blazer. I was thinking to myself how hot I looked in it when the manager tapped me on the shoulder and politely said, "Excuse me sir, that's a ladies' blazer." FML
Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML
Today, in the middle of a localised drought, and an accompanying hosepipe ban, my mother has decided that she still needs to water her lawn. To balance out the water usage, she's placed a complete ban on the use of our shower until the weather lets up. FML
Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML
Today, I went to the bank to find out why they've taken $200 from me. By the time I show them my bank card, ID and tell them my problem, they accuse me of stealing my own identity, and refuse to give me my money back. FML
arsenicalhumor tells us more.
Hello, OP here.. Yes, there is way more to this story, but it was too long for the FML post. So, I once had to go to a Cash Money Store, two christmas 's ago, because I had no money and just lost a job, needing Christmas presents- I sold my soul to one of those stores. For months on end that Cash Money store kept taking money from me (even though I gave them what they needed back) and ever since then, once every two months the bank would make excuses as to why they'd need all of my money, examples: "Oh the Cash Money Store took OUR money and so we are taking YOURS " , "Oh there is this fee you never payed this month and so we took extra" "Oh it's this mandatory add-on that we put on people's accounts" ,in the end I told them I wanted to switch banks, and that's when they started to accuse me of identity theft. Now mind you- I still look the same, I don't age quickly, and so in the end their arguments were invalid, but because they are a bank, it is a little difficult to just be like "Oh, your branch is wrong, and I am right" yes I did switch banks, and I hope this helped with some of the confusion. Thank you :).
Today, my girlfriend texted me, telling me to come home quickly, because she had a "surprise" waiting for me. I convinced my boss to let me go home, and rushed out. Turns out the "surprise" was just that she'd bought herself a pet bunny. FML
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