Today, I was supposed to give a presentation to the incoming freshman about the dangers of drinking in college. My co-presenter showed up drunk. FML
Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML
Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML
Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML
Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She's been there all day. FML
Today, I received an email with a link to a story about a man who lost 650 pounds. I ignored it, until I saw who sent it. My mom, with the message "Maybe there's hope for you." FML
Today, I realized that my grandma has pictures of all her grandchildren all over her house, with one glaring exception: me. FML
saraitkddh tells us more.
Thanks everyone for your support :) To make things clear, I am gonna answer some of your questions. First, I am the youngest child and the only daughter of her first child. Second, she has 22 grandchildren and I visit her regularly. Third, she has more than one picture of me but she just put them inside the drawer. she always ask my cousins for pictures of them, and my mom once offered her to give her new pictures of me but she ignored her. She even has pictures of her immigrant grandchildren whom she never met before or know how to speak their language. And no, I am not adopted, I am old enough to know that. I just don't know why she is always cold and mean to me.
Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML
Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML
Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML
Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML
Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML
Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML
Today, I packed all my clothes in a black garbage bag, so I could easily move them to my new house. When I came back outside to load it into my car, the bag was missing, and all I could see was a garbage truck driving away with the week's trash. FML
Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML
Today, as I was putting on sports shoes to get to a job interview in a hurry, a man ran past me and grabbed my formal shoes while shouting, "Ninja!" Try explaining to the guy at the interview why I was wearing sneakers with a skirt suit. FML
Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I spent an entire raffle game desperately praying that I'd lose miserably, just so I wouldn't have to go up on stage and accept it. FML
Minou_fml tells us more.
Minou_fml 22
I didn't enter the raffle on purpose! It was a work event, and they gave us a ticket when we came in the door without telling us exactly what it was for. They had us rip them in half and keep one, then put the other in a container. I thought it was for attendance, or the food, or something. Then, toward the end of the event, they started drawing tickets and calling out the numbers on them for various prizes.
Today, I have pink eye. Four weeks ago I had scabies. I'm an elementary school teacher, and I'm apparently under attack from biological weapons: my students. FML
YellowKettleBell tells us more.
Op here....unfortunately, many kids don't come from homes that are clean and hygienic. That's especially true in economically disadvantaged homes, from which most of my kids come. Some I can tell don't bathe or wash their clothes regularly. Yes, this is my first year. Many teachers said they had similar experiences starting out.
Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML
Today, I found out my dog's new favorite game to play: "If you don't stop petting me, I'll bite your balls as hard as I can." FML
FMLintheanus tells us more.
FMLintheanus 12
My dog is actually a female and I got her a muzzle this morning so that when she misbehaves she can be disciplined. haha but that would be an amazing idea if my dog were a male!
Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 inches off my hair. When I got there, I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date, I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was, "I see you got rid of your mustache." FML
Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Walmart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML
Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML
Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML
Today, the ugliest girl in school walked by me and said "ewwww". FML
Today, my friend told me she had a stalker who had been emailing her. I laughed, and told her it was probably some fat, ugly virgin sat behind his computer all day. I then continued to describe and mock the stalker, only to realise that I was basically describing myself. FML
Today, I was at a job interview for a position I really needed. Somehow, the interviewer and I started talking about fishing. I joked, "I'm a master baiter." Needless to say, I didn't get the job. FML
Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML
Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML
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