Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML
Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML
Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML
Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML
Today, a drunk man walked into my house at 2 p.m. and screamed out, "Honey, I'm home!" He had the wrong house, but it looks like I've finally met my new neighbour. FML
Today, I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. Just as I was about to go for it, his girlfriend calls. I had to sit there motionless listening to my brother having phone sex, then wait for him to go to sleep and sneak back out to pretend it never happened. FML
Today, I went on a first date, only for us to find the restaurant wasn't open on New Year's Day. My date suggested going to the mall instead. We drove in our own cars. Me: the mall, him: home. I waited for 40 minutes before realising he'd stood me up. Happy New Year to me. FML
newyearstandup tells us more.
Thanks for the support guys. To answer some of your questions.... The mall was suggested by him as we figured it was the only place we knew 100% was open. I don't think he suggested a closed restaurant deliberately. In my city it's touch and go what will be open on public holidays. We knew exactly where to meet - where all the restaurants are at the mall. And I did call and message a couple of times but received nothing back. He also deleted me from the dating site we met on. So it was a clear ditch. He knew what I looked like beforehand so dunno what it was! And we basically just had a one minute conversation so doubt I could have pissed him off in that little amount of time! Very doubtful he was in an accident. Definitely dodged a bullet I think. Hopefully this doesn't set the tone for 2015!
Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML
Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML
Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML
Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll climb up your pants in search of more cookies. FML
MegasaurusRex89 tells us more.
I did run, but I stopped when I saw another squirrel looking at me and that's when the first one caught up. Greedy and determined little bastards I tell ya! (I'm OP, by the way... And a girl.)
Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML
Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML
Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML
Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML
Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML
Today, I was told that I don't meet the minimum requirements for a job I applied for. I currently hold the same job, at the same facility, but just wanted a day shift. Apparently I'm not qualified for the job I've had for 2 and a half years. FML
Today, I lied to a group of 8 year-olds about having a boyfriend. FML
Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML
Today, my friends made a little game out of my OCD. They like to purposely poke one of my arms so I immediately poke the other one. They think it's hilarious and now do it constantly. FML
danceinconverse tells us more.
Wow, the range of comments had me laughing to making a disgusted face. Thanks to everyone who was supportive but no need to worry! I'll explain things further but this will be long. And to people saying "woah I do the same thing!", you most likely have OCD, but DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE, ask your doctor about it before you prance around calling yourself mentally ill. For me, I've always done little sort of tensing my muscles and making both sides feel the same games with myself ever since I can remember, especially in the car. It didn't become a problem until high school, when I started doing finger things to each hand to calm myself down, and it escalated into something actually slightly debilitating. But anyways, so I also unfortunately have anxiety and depression to mix with my OCD, so I've never came out and said to most of my friends I have any of these things, or many people at all. I hate the "Oh just be happy and you'll feel better!" Comments so I tend to not bring it up unless necessary. (Think: having a permanent broken leg, and when people realize, the "advice" they give you is to walk on it and you should be fine). But anyway, in their defence they just thought I was being silly, I do have a lot of quirks so I don't blame them. If they hadve known it was causing me legitimate panic, they of course would have stopped, but I'm very good at covering up my negative feelings. It did give me a panic attack i had silently in the washroom the first time the original friend figured it out (lightly smacking my arm to get my attention and seeing what looked like me immediately covering the other one in pain, as if the opposite one they actually hit hurt. I would definitely find that funny too). They all had a go at poking my arm to see me poke the other one, and eventually seeing if it worked on other areas of my body. I was laughing along so they had no reason to assume it was genuinely distressing me, even though it was just my panicked (anxiety induced) "aw shit they figured it out I don't want them to know I'm even weirder, I'll just play it off" response. But the next time they saw me they had forgotten it all together almost, and now they only do it occasionally in a weird "insulting your friend to let them know you love them" kind of way. Those times I can genuinely laugh at. I'm all for making fun of myself and I get that it's pretty funny, and also it kind of helps me in a weird way. But if the level it was at the first time hadve continued after the first time, i 100% would have explained to them why it's not ok, and I can guarantee they never would've done it again. And advice to anyone who is dealing with something similar where it does genuinely bother them, really, let the people know. If they patronize you for it, they are strait up dick nuggets, don't take their crap. Sorry for the novel but hope i cleared some things up!
Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML
Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML
Today, after celebrating my birthday yesterday, getting really drunk, I woke up naked in the bathroom at my girlfriend's house. Why did I wake up? Her father walked in. FML
littmild tells us more.
littmild 0
The party wasn't at my girlfriends house, no.. Can't imagine why people think he would be pissed, it's just incredibly funny, and something we could laugh about for years. This is actually my first time posting anything here, the first time I've ever read comments, and I have to say I'm quite shocked how many people who misundertands this website. Like people who thinks you post things like this to get sympathy, or this ongoing debate on my alcohol consumption. I can't actually believe that there is people in this world who doesn't have more important things to do. Why isn't FML filled with "Today, I didn't have anything else to do than post negative comments on FML. FML." I feel a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, people! I felt a bit stupid for what I've done, but now I know I have a long way to go to beat some of you. And yes, I look good naked. Unfortunatly I was wearing socks that made me look rather fat.
Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared that I passed out. I was only on the kiddie hill. FML
Today, my wallet got stolen. I had a bunch of cash, my SS card and my license in it. Now I have to replace everything, only to have to renew my license again when I turn 21 in June. FML
Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML
Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML
Today, I was at Walmart with my stepmom. We were about to check out when a little sweet-looking old woman came up and asked if she could get in front of us. Seeing as she only had two items in her hands we said yes. Her husband then came up with two carts full of stuff, condoms on top. FML
sommmerrrr tells us more.
I didn't think this would be posted so fast! But thanks for all the comments, they made my stepmom and me laugh our butts off. But we just went into a different line. Wasn't that big of a deal. But the granny didn't even say thank you! It was a little awkward seeing as they were so old but we still let that grandpa get in front of us. But thanks again for the comments guys!
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