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By fucked - 24/08/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 404

You deserved it 6 198

Shitty situation

By thatguythere858 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 107

You deserved it 2 858

I don't like school

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 179

You deserved it 3 963

By screwed - 18/06/2011 08:51 - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 643

You deserved it 4 972

By sick - 30/09/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I went to the coffee shop for my usual morning latte before class. When I got my drink, I asked again to make sure it was soy. The barista assured me it was. It wasn't. I'm ridiculously lactose intolerant and just spent six hours throwing up because she was too lazy to correct her mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 476

You deserved it 3 883

By quickfingers100 - 01/06/2011 16:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 664

You deserved it 48 086

By retyi43 - 24/03/2012 05:41 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I bought medical gloves to protect my hands from various chemicals at work since I have eczema. I had an allergic reaction to the gloves, and now my eczema is even worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 955

You deserved it 2 849

retyi43 tells us more.

retyi43 14

Saturday 24 March 2012 22:58

they were nitrile gloves, not latex

By J.O.S - 21/03/2012 21:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 615

You deserved it 3 343

By weep weep weep - 12/03/2012 03:04 - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 941

You deserved it 3 853

By fucked five ways to friday - 03/01/2013 23:36 - United States - Stayton

Today, someone sent my boss a CD full of documents for an upcoming trial. It's my job to sort through the evidence, so he gave it to me. I looked on the CD. There's only one file; a 1020-page PDF of all the documents we need, and the pages weren't scanned in order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 788

You deserved it 2 457

By Anonymous - 21/03/2011 06:20 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 508

You deserved it 6 267

Help!

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 06:56 - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 423

You deserved it 8 106

By pissed - 21/02/2015 00:35 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom told me that, even though my brother sells drugs, he's still her favorite child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 083

You deserved it 2 993

kerstileann tells us more.

kerstileann 26

Saturday 21 February 2015 18:54

you know youll get modded and have a ban against you for saying that right? :)

And I oop

By porkers gonna pork :\ - 12/03/2016 15:09 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, I met one of my fiancé's coworkers. Normally I'd never ask how far along someone's pregnancy is without being 100% sure they're not just fat, but she seemed fit. Well, I now know that virtually all the fat in some people's bodies can go straight to their gut and nowhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 857

You deserved it 6 389

Wet helmet

By RyanSmithN - 15/01/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 297

You deserved it 9 230

By Cristie - 30/09/2011 05:01 - Canada

Today, as I was training a new guy at work, my husband spent half the day creeping outside in his truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 466

You deserved it 3 533

By AngrySon - 29/09/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 360

You deserved it 2 616

By Gross - 21/07/2013 23:20 - United States - Houston

Today, I got fired from my job as a seafood manager because an entire wedding group came in and started yelling at me, saying the shrimp was horrible and I ruined their wedding. They showed me the leftovers; they never cooked them. They fed raw shrimp at a wedding dinner party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 911

You deserved it 3 944

By cheerbabeXoXo - 29/06/2013 21:49 - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 624

You deserved it 4 995

By Out from Hell - 22/04/2013 22:31 - United States - Woodstock

Today, I got so drunk I called my ex-boyfriend and confessed my love to him. All in front of my current boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 654

You deserved it 76 607

By Anonymous - 09/09/2010 01:33 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for the chicken I bought four days ago. I finally found it - not in the refrigerator, not in the freezer, but in the trunk of my car, which now smells like a dead animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 150

You deserved it 31 235

By Miss Blairgowrie - 30/01/2013 07:52 - Australia - Fairfield

Today, I got my retainer fitted. It stimulates my gag reflex so badly that I gag every time I try so say anything with a 'P' in it. My orthodontist laughed and suggested I get a thesaurus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 325

You deserved it 2 755

Diets suck

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Manhattan

Today, it's the fourth day of my new diet. I told my friends and family to watch me every time I eat to make sure it's healthy. I got so desperate that I hid some chocolates in my pocket then scarfed them down while pooping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 199

You deserved it 50 392

Stop talking now!

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her parents seemed upset, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Hey, at least the weekend is coming up and you guys won't have to go to work." Apparently, they were upset because they both got laid off from their jobs today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 687

You deserved it 8 474

By Nicole557 - 03/11/2011 10:56 - United States

Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though. With my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 530

You deserved it 10 509

All in the family

By notasgood - 12/01/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 650

You deserved it 3 350

By bels12 - 05/01/2010 05:15 - Australia

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 934

You deserved it 9 362

By Anonymous - 03/08/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 068

You deserved it 1 964

By anonymous - 24/11/2015 19:38 - Switzerland - Unterageri

Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 144

You deserved it 3 018

By -.- - 13/04/2014 22:16 - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my dad found out that I'm a member on a bodybuilding forum and decided to join it too. It's only been a few hours, but he's already told everyone that he's my dad, posted that I'm a "total pussy in real life", and questioned my sexuality. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 332

You deserved it 5 224

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The Top

Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put $1000 on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14-digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 841

You deserved it 3 783

Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 933

You deserved it 381

Today, I’m stuck on a date with a man who got ready by washing his car instead of showering, is proud to never read newspapers because “they lie”, and thinks racist jokes count as witty conversation. I’d have left already but he drove me, there’s no bus stop nearby, and no Ubers in the area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 159

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 511

You deserved it 2 508

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 365

Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 334

You deserved it 4 887