Today, after much deliberation, I decided to accept my parents' invitation to a family dinner. A half hour after I arrived, all hell broke loose, because my mom's pregnancy test had come back positive, and she was convinced my dad had poked holes in his own condom. FML
Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML
Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML
Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML
Today, someone at work was bragging that their son was high school valedictorian and offered a full college scholarship. 7 years ago, I was also valedictorian and got that same scholarship. All I said was, "Congratulations. Did you want fries with that?" and continued taking their order. FML
Valedictorian02 tells us more.
It has to be one of those four, huh? Because you know of four situations so mine has to be one of those four? I'm OP. I took the scholarship, got a B.A. in Economics with a minor in Computer Science (not quite Basket-Weaving or Art History, sorry), did analysis for a company that recently went under, started working for a start-up until I ran out of money, then took the best job I could find, which happens to involve selling french fries. By the way, he DID want french fries. And he got them.
Today, my wife is unreasonably mad at me for telling our kids to call toilet paper, "Butt Floss". FML
chillnhill tells us more.
Today, I sent a cover letter to a potential employer. In the letter, I talked about my great attention to detail, my strong ability to focus, and my stellar writing skills. After hitting send, I reread the letter and noticed that I typed my name "B-R-A-I-N." My name is Brian. FML
Today, I walked a student to an office on the other side of the school. I'm the kind of person who would rather make conversation than endure awkward silence, so I tried to talk to him. He just stared intently at my chest the whole time. FML
Miss_Whipped tells us more.
Miss_Whipped 43
You're right, it was awkward with his head turned toward me the whole time. Working in the main office doesn't leave me a lot of room as to what I can say or do in front of the people I escort across the building (most of them sponsors from colleges or other organizations to pass out information during lunch). I think the worst I had to endure was this one pair of guys who did nothing but bad-mouth the school and the others that worked in my office. My only response was to take them down the longest, winding path to their destination as I could imagine. Other than that, I had to remain silent when I wanted to defend my school's honor. As far as this kid, I ended up clamming up and stopped making any attempt to talk to him. I usually call people out on weird behavior, but I think that it was just the shock and disgust of it all that glued my mouth shut. I just walked back to the office silently and did nothing. What was I supposed to do, cry 'sexual harassment' this late in the school year? I've got 4 days left before I never have to attend high school again. I'd rather it go off without a hitch. As for the 'I've got a nice rack' comments, I don't think it's appropriate to stare either way. Some things are meant to keep to yourself (or your own eyeballs).
Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML
Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year-old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She'd just given my sister a haircut. FML
Today, my mom made a Facebook post about me starting my period and for everyone to be nice to me. FML
Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML
Today, my dog took a dump beside the air intake for our furnace. The house now smells like dog crap. FML
Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML
Today, I sent a student to the dean for trying to smoke pot in my class. His mother called to complain that I publicly humiliated her son. FML
chinaski7628 tells us more.
chinaski7628 32
This is my FML and I never realized it got published until I came across it under the random section. I thought I'd fill in the details because I think about this kid a lot. The student in question was on probation from two previous drug charges. He was a mess-- always drunk or high and everything he did was a cry for help (tagging, fighting, truancy). I'd had a meeting with his mother once already about him failing my class due to poor attendance. She accused me of lying (even though he told her he always ditched my class). He even admitted to me that he picked my class to smoke in because he wanted to get caught and he knew I would turn him in. It actually wasn't this incident that got him expelled-- a week or so later he punched his probation officer and after that I have no idea what happened to him. I don't totally blame him-- he was only 15, after all. And it was hard to see beyond the drugs and bad decisions, but he had brains and was a good artist-- he had potential. If he had had a better mother maybe he might have had a chance. Her denial damaged him considerably. I don't mind the troubled and damaged kids, but it's the parents who made them that way I have no patience for and that make my job difficult. This actually happened three years ago, so I can only hope he's pulled himself together. I know many people that have had similar rough starts to life and have made it out ok.
Today, while working, a woman complained that she didn't ask for sauce on her sandwich. After examining the sandwich, I realized it was just melted cheese. When I told her, she threw the sandwich at me. FML
Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML
Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML
Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML
Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML
Today, a girl at my tanning salon was ranting about how expensive it was and how she wished there was a cheaper way to get a tan. I joked, "Like from the sun?" She angrily called me a "sassy bitch", screamed to my boss about me, and then threatened to sue us when he kicked her out. FML
Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML
Today, my boss fired me for acting "inappropriately" at work. I gave him a hug. He's my dad. FML
Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML
Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML
Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML
Today, a friend of mine commented that I "have a lot of confidence for a fat girl". Ummm... thanks? FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and I asked him to call me something sweet. He called me Honey Boo Boo. FML
TypeOhNegative tells us more.
Hello. I'm the original poster. My boyfriend and I saw Honey Boo Boo for the first time the night before. He had it stuck in head and he just blurted it out. I laughed, he laughed too, and it's just a funny story to tell people. We're not fans of Honey Boo Boo, FYI. To get revenge, I tell him he has the sex appeal of Mitt Romney's voice, haha.
Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML
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