Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML
Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML
Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, my husband thought I might want to get intimate. I've never seen someone vacate a room so quickly. FML
Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML
Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he pulled up his pants and said, "There you go." FML
Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML
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Top comments
sciencekidster1 8
"Sorry, my mom told me not to put small objects in my mouth. I could choke."
gojira666 7
"No thanks, I have a small nut allergy"
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Comments (198)
jack_tells_truth 0
You married him, you deserve it
prinzess_fml 25
So, what if it IS the way he likes it? Why does it always have to be your way?
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Perhaps it's not easy for OP, and she needs it?
DoomedGemini 38
Where does it say it's EVER her way? That's what I thought the FML was about
liggity 1
I'm sorry dear I'll try to be more romantic
loski87 4
I like his style lol...
perdix 31
What's the problem? That move has been working for me for decades, only I rarely have to give verbal instructions. Most women know what to do with a newly-exposed ****. FYL for needing etiquette lessons.
Plaasmaa 4
Yes
good41thing198 7
You are certainly a douchebag supreme, and most likely a liar. I have experienced a plethora of ********, 99 percent initiated by my GF, wife, or random hookup, without any prompting from me. Only losers have to ask for one.
VickLynx 6
Well that kills the mood.... :|
mellylicious 8
I'm sorry op, but I find this hilarious haha
ReynshineCutting 10
I would so just bend down, say "hi", then walk away. Or tell him he has 2 hands that will work just as well if he's going to act like a child about it. Hopefully he was just kidding but probably not. Just cut him off for 2 weeks and see how he acts then.
OneNightStan 2
Worst advice ever!
cynicalhumanist 9
I can't understand this denying your SO sex... don't you have a sex drive yourself? And the moment you make it something to bargain with, you've essentially made sex a chore for yourself, and furthermore told your SO that you will only have sex with them for payment (of sorts). Needless to say, this is one of few things that would make me dump someone without thinking twice. Although I agree saying hi to it and walking off would be hilarious :)
ReynshineCutting 10
I actually don't have much of a sex drive and can go forever without it so it works for me. I try to give my SO sex twice a week but it doesn't always happen and while I do feel bad for him, I'm not going to force myself to do it (and he won't let me anyway).
spencerxo 0
That's just sad. No sexdrive? Life must suck for you!!
ReynshineCutting 10
It really doesn't. It gives me more time to do other stuff :P At least when my fiancé and I do have sex it's awesome.
loserman67 36
You should have looked down and said, "But there's no one there to speak to..."
CiaranPM 0
He sounds pretty awesome. Why are you complaining?