Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML
Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML
Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, my husband thought I might want to get intimate. I've never seen someone vacate a room so quickly. FML
Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML
Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he pulled up his pants and said, "There you go." FML
Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
sciencekidster1 8
"Sorry, my mom told me not to put small objects in my mouth. I could choke."
gojira666 7
"No thanks, I have a small nut allergy"
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (198)
JustDannyG 0
Shut up and do your job wife haha
DocBastard 40
Hahahahahahahaha but no seriously, that's not funny. Do your man job and go **** yourself.
ReynshineCutting 10
Thank you Doc! It is not the woman's job to always satisfy the man. Guys, you have 2 hands. Use them.
myschyveus 0
**** that. My mom told me if I get it up, it's my wife duty to get it down again, and settle for nothing less. Stop being self righteous. Ops husband could've been smoother yes, but that he was crass isn't the end of the world.
Enslaved 38
Dicks with dicks! What a shame! *sigh*
Quest_ 13
myschyveus, I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I find it completely baffling that you are so comfortable discussing your erections with your own mother.
ReynshineCutting 10
Well your mom is a brainwashed moron. Good luck finding a woman who has the mindset of a 50s housewife. You have hands. They are there to use when your woman's not in the mood.
DocBastard 40
LMAO! You've all just been trolled by myschyveus. HAHA! Right, myschyveus? You were just trolling, right? RIGHT? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JUST TROLLING!!
jonn090 13
71 is black wat do u expect ?
Kooppliii 8
Like a BOSS!
lilovatch 4
Go down say hello then walk away lol
mrgud 3
If you won't do it, he'll find some chick that would love to
MetaGirl 3
Relax! You don't have to have foreplay every time. He's just having fun. Join him, you never know... maybe he'll reciprocate.
DamnSmooth 0
You should punch him in the face & then have sex with someone else, and make sure he understands you did it solely because his foreplay pickup lines are so terrible.
MissBunnyWillEat 11
So, you're suggesting she should cheat on her husband because he has bad hookup lines? I pity the girl you marry.
DamnSmooth 0
Yep, me too. If she so much as farts at me the wrong way, she'll be punched in the face too. (Multiple times if the situation calls for it.)
dreamering 16
You better stick with the guitar
BloodyMary666 24
What a jerk!
MissBunnyWillEat 11
OP's husband is a boss.
corrinaswan 0
Well did u? Say hello
KunKaLunKa 1
Yum
TheNewGuy03 29
For whatever reason, I pictured this being said in a Hannibal-esque voice. Interesting...