Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML
Today, my 21 year-old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML
Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
uoeno_fml 20
You should ****** him harder
Larry01_fml 19
sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (85)
Exhaling 12
Maybe give him an idea of what you want to hear?
saocrates 16
Foreplay should be more than just words or maybe that's just me.
Enslaved 38
"More than words is all you have to do to make it real Then you wouldn't have to say that you *penis* me 'cause I'd already know"
incoherentrmblr 22
PENIS!!!...
JocelynKaulitz 28
"I wanna sex you up."
mFUNdo21 17
I read "husband" as "dad" at first D:
Exhaling 12
I don't know how you mix up completely different looking words
mFUNdo21 17
My reading skills were clearly not on par this morning
chris4u2nv5 19
#33 that was right on time. I busted out laughing.
ohcheriecherie 20
at least it wasn't "I'm gonna dick you down" like some other FML. your husband sounds bad in bed
Larry01_fml 19
sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want
Redoxx_fml 22
Tell me you're gonna "dick me down good"
truecolourss 4
At least he tried! He did say he'd penis you, hopefully the sex was better than the foreplay
outoftown 27
And sometimes the guy needs a whole Powerpoint presentation.
nikkidii 14
I would've burst out laughing.
uoeno_fml 20
You should ****** him harder
Ambient25 25
She should watch out, he might just ******** her deeper
thatsucks4you 7
I read this FML and your response to my husband while we are about to go to sleep but just cracked up laughing!
2taylornissly 1
Hahaha
lisaroxmysoxx 16
Oh geez! My boyfriend likes to say 'I'm gonna be all up in your guts' I don't know which is worse!
Ambient25 25
And you let him say that shit?? A bit TMI, but when I have sex, it's best to match the dirty talk with hard pounding...otherwise it's just talk. My best friend actually used to say: "I balled my girlfriend deep man". I always thought he meant basketball, since I dunno how you can "ball" someone deep...
Ambient25 25
Lol the funny part though is that he'd only describe it as "balling"...
adrianh1090 12
Nobody likes a grammar nazi.
RoboCunnilingus 23
Well... Everything is romantic when you whisper it.
kelseythompson 27
Whispers "I'm gunna kill you" Hot right?
The_Hula_Monster 10
#36 Only if it's followed by "By penissing you in your ****** so hard"
LittleBastard 20
I'm guessing he wanted to say "give you a good dicking" but couldn't think of what to say so he used penis as a verb.
viau 13
how does a penis penis?
Qwermy 16
dicks be like "how do I penis?"
RoboCunnilingus 23
#11- The real question here is, "How much penis would a penis penis if a penis could penis penis?"
RoboCunnilingus 23
Never thought I'd say the word penis that many times in one sentence.