Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML
Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML
Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, my husband thought I might want to get intimate. I've never seen someone vacate a room so quickly. FML
Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML
Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he pulled up his pants and said, "There you go." FML
Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML
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Top comments
sciencekidster1 8
"Sorry, my mom told me not to put small objects in my mouth. I could choke."
gojira666 7
"No thanks, I have a small nut allergy"
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Comments (198)
anawfulhuman 0
You're headed for a divorce if you don't start sucking. Hate to break it to you.
HomeAl0ne 20
Skip the 'hello' and just give him a brisk fist bump.
Speaker4TheDe4d 0
That means you don't do it enough just out of the blue and he needs to tell you to do it just to have a shot at receiving. You should be a better wife.
vi3tno_romeo 5
sounds immature to be a married dude
chookyla1 5
To tell you the truth, my boyfriend does the same.
bubo_fml 11
Spread 'em & say, "eat me at the fish market!"
alexhohohogue 0
My boyfriend says hey let's have sex and expects me to be ready or he's mad :/
good41thing198 7
You're an idiot for dating the douchebag
michi23 0
Well why is that a bad thing? You obviously need to spice things up.
Jujubilee 1
You should drop your pants and say, "COMMMME AND GET ITTTTT!!!!"
aragmir 13
Cut the guy some slack, he could have whipped you over the face with it!