Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML
Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I wanted to tease him, so I got his attention and made my orgasm face when I thought no one was looking. His thirteen year-old cousin saw and now bursts out laughing whenever he sees me. FML
Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML
Today, I found the engagement ring I'd bought and been missing for a week. On my girlfriend's hand. While my childhood friend was inside her. They apparently like pretending she's married while doing this. They made this self-discovery a week ago. Good for them. I don't want the ring back. FML
CogadhTallon tells us more.
CogadhTallon 16
Thanks for your comments, this place is much better than a shrink for healing a bit. I can appreciate the sentiment that I should've taken the ring back, but once purchased, rings are almost worthless (thanks, De Beers). I honestly wanted nothing to do with them. I've burned the sheets (not kidding) and I've gone numb. Their pretty much dead to me, and needless to say I'm out of the dating circuit for a while. Keep the comments coming though, this place rocks, and reminds me that not everyone are walking asshats. :)
Today, our daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid-blow job. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML
Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML
Today, my 15 year-old brother told us his girlfriend is pregnant. He was taught in his abstinence-only sex ed that condoms don't prevent pregnancy. My parents are blaming her pregnancy on me, for not telling him the truth about sex, because parents giving their kids the sex talk is "too awkward." FML
Serenadipity tells us more.
Today, the man I have been in a long-distance relationship with for two years told me he has been cheating on me for six months, and that he's leaving me for her. I'm due to fly out to see him next week on a non-refundable ticket. He insists that, "We can still hang out, just not have sex." FML
Today, the guy I thought I was exclusive with admitted that the only reason he comes over is because no one else will sleep with him. FML
Today, my father-in-law asked me if I have breast implants in front of the whole family for the third time this month. FML
Today, while jailbreaking my dad's phone, I found out the hard way that it's jam-packed full of my mom's nudes. FML
Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML
Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML
Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML
Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML
Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML
Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML
Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML
Today, I got back from a week long holiday with my new girlfriend. I started thinking about her whilst talking to my parents and reflexively cupped my mother's ass. FML
Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML
Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parents' bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML
Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML
Today, I had sex with the guy who had been the main subject of my bean-flicking fantasies since I met him. It was the absolute worst sex of my life. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination. FML
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