Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML
Today, I hooked up with a guy. He didn't last 30 seconds before finishing, Then his car wouldn't start. I ended up walking home after a hook up that wasn't worth it. FML
Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML
Today, I caught my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been as mortifying if they weren't doing it in my room. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML
Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML
Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML
Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after two of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML
Today, an old woman came into my store for help. Towards the end, she asked me my name. I told her while pointing at my name tag. She then replied, "Oh! I didn't notice since I was staring at your boobs. Much prettier to look at." Sadly, this is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML
Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML
Today, I woke my boyfriend up at 7 a.m. to have sex. I thought the sex was great, but later he kept complaining, "I can't believe you woke me up so early." FML
Today, I realised just how lazy I am when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML
Today, my wife fell asleep. I was giving her head at the time. Her snoring gave it away. FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I started to put my hands down his pants and jokingly said, "Sorry, I'm not very good at hand jobs." He replied, "I know." FML
Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML
Today, my date took nearly 10 minutes to get an erection, had to be shown where the entrance to my vagina was, since he kept missing it and poking me in the thigh, he orgasmed after only 3 thrusts, fell asleep straight away, then an hour later had the nerve to ask if I’d had fun too. FML
Today, my parents were helping me move flats. The only box to spring open was the box containing condoms and copious amounts of napkins for clean up. They spilled all over the road as my dad was carrying it. My mum picked them up. FML
Today, on the bus, a man in his late 30s sat next to me. After a moment, he turned to me and said with a wink, "You must be ovulating, I can smell your vagina." FML
Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML
Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, only while I was down there I noticed he had an ungodly amount of dick cheese under his foreskin. He’s now mad at me for blueballing him, even though he’s clearly the one at fault for being a filthy pig. FML
Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML
Today, my boyfriend let it slip that he thinks of my best friend when he masturbates because he like to have the "freedom and variety." FML
Today, I went out with my ex-girlfriend, with whom I have a good friendship with and am in fact still in love. I picked her up at her house and we had a perfect night together that ended with sex in my car. As I dropped her off, she turned to me and said, "I hope you know we're just friends." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I tried to have sex in the shower. While trying to support her weight, as we got into things, I slipped backwards on the wet floor and fell through the Pyrex side of the shower, with her crashing down on me. I now have bits of Pyrex in my back and have to replace the shower side. FML
Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML
Today, after taking a refreshing shower, I found out that due to a newly-built platform, people in the apartment underneath can see right into my bedroom. While I was standing there completely naked, some guy smiled at me. FML
Today, my walk of shame may have been caught by the Google car. FML
Today, while getting steamy with my boyfriend, I tried to be sexy and tease him by playfully pushing his hands away every time he touched me. He responded by telling me it's OK if we didn't have sex because my breath was a bit "funky" and he needed to take "a massive dump anyway." FML
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