Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "Wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!" Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't." FML
Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML
Today, I found male enhancers hidden in the back of the car, which I'm assuming are my husband's, but we haven't been having sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear, "Would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me?" with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML
Today, I came back to my dorm only to hear my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was just thinking when I said, "At least do it against the other wall," but when I was left later on, he walked by, apologized and said that he thought I wasn't home, and promised to be more quiet next time. FML
Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML
Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML
Today, my roommate's parents came over to our one room apartment. They found condom wrappers. My roommate tried to say they were mine. I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML
Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML
Today, my husband was trying to be sexy, and asked me if I wanted to sit on his "Belly Finger". Major mood kill. FML
Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the lock is broken) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a dickpic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. Even though she had asked me for it, when she saw the pic, she blocked me. FML
Today my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, I farted so loudly in bed and I woke up my husband. Startled, he thought that someone was entered in our room and fired a shot. FML
Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML
Today, my mom showed to my girlfriend my naked baby photos. My girlfriend said, "Nothing’s changed." FML
Today, I walked into my best friend's house and her mom threw a box of condoms at me and said, "Stay safe, slut." FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML
Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man off the woman, turns out they were just "getting frisky" FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I said the wrong name in bed. On top of that, it was the name of her ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Who he cheated on my girlfriend with while they were together. FML
Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML
Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML
Today, my mate was bragging about the nudes he was getting from this random girl, he proceeded to show me... It was my cousin. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable, aggressive orgasm that I'd be celebrating my efforts, if only in the process she hadn't knocked over my new expensive laptop, which then split in half. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML
Today, my little brother played my phone, and then accidentally sent a nude photo of mine to our step-dad, and now I have to spend all day with him and my mom on a road trip. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML
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