NSFW

How very dare you?

Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML

Dr. Dick

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend has been lying to me about having a long-term illness requiring multiple trips to the doctor's. She isn't ill, she was cheating on me with the local GP. So I’ve literally driven her to the clinic and then sat in the waiting room while she screwed the doctor. FML

The other notebook

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

Philosophical

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

You what now?

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

Today, I got diarrhea. During sex. I didn’t even make it out of the bed. FML

Throw the book at him

Today, I got fired from my job at a library for hitting an old man with a book. In my defence, I had asked him about a massive water stain on a book he'd returned. He told me it was his cum, wanted to know if it excited me and then tried to touch my boobs. Dirty old pervert. FML

Exploding milk ****

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

Judas!

Today, and ever since the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office, and now that he's become buddy-buddy with management, they believe him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML

Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML

Spiked

Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML

Bad trip

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

Whatsapp? Not much

Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML

Get back here!

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left, I couldn't find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and doesn't believe me. I might have to move out. FML

Anemic performance

Today, we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

Today, I had to sleep at my in-laws' house. My in-laws' bedroom is directly above the one we’re sleeping in. For the last 20 minutes, all I can hear is the bed going, “Thud, thud, thud.” FML

Quickie

Today, while on vacation with my siblings and the horde of nieces and nephews, me and hubby managed to sneak in a quickie. It was a quickie alright. For the first time in our marriage he blew his load after 2 strokes because he was afraid of being interrupted. FML

Burn unit

Today, I woke up with a horrible UTI after having sex with my fiance the night before. I went to an urgent care to get antibiotics as my primary was closed. Turns out, I'm allergic to condom lubricant. Now every time I pee, it not only burns, but smells like a nasty condom. FML

Today, I texted my husband saying, “No sex tonight, it’s a bloodbath” and realized it was in a group chat with his parents, not directly to him like I'd intended. FML

Unforgettable

Today, after many, many years of desperate bodily insecurity and therapy, I woke up next to the man of my dreams, who told me the sex was wonderful. Apparently, gin plays wonders with my memory. I don't remember a thing. And that was my first time. FML

Careless Whisper?

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML

Today, I found out my ex gave me an STI. Today I also found out I'm allergic to the medication. FML

Unwarranted

Today, I was messaging memes back and forth with one of my female coworkers and I accidentally sent a picture of my junk. FML

Today, in front of my friends, my mom came after me with a pair of tweezers exclaiming, "There's just a couple of hairs on your chin that need to be plucked." I'm a 14 year-old girl. FML

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML

No kinkshaming, but…

Today, I realized that my husband's preferred sexual activities not only don't require me to take off my clothes, but go much better for him when I don't. He doesn't get why this makes me self-conscious about getting naked in front of him. FML