Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML
Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling good about it until I saw the interviewer. It was a guy I had sex with and never called again. He remembered me too. FML
jwshrieky tells us more.
It was an 'Oh Jesus.. Ive had you between my legs and now you're the decider on whether or not I actually get to make money off of my brand new nursing degree' moment. :-D
Today, after months of dating, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take things to the next level. He told me that he couldn't have sex with me because of his religious beliefs. I would've been fine with this if it weren't for the fact that I know he and his family are all atheists. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML
Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML
Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML
Today, I was having 'goodbye' sex with my boyfriend. Now for the next four months he's going to remember our last time as the one where I farted and couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML
Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML
Today, my mother got incredibly drunk. She told me that only "sluts and whores" shave their pubes. She then told me that she's never once trimmed or shaved her pubes, because she's "moral." Thanks for that mental image, mom. FML
Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML
Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said, "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML
Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML
Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML
Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML
Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML
Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother, you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML
Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML
Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML
Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML
Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADHD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML
Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I'd dated girls with smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML
Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, my mother told me I looked like a hooker in my wedding dress. Thanks mommy. FML
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