Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML
Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML
Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML
Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML
Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
abbytequiere 9
You deserve this just for calling it your man-mush. Really?
bobbyfmaul 2
New nick name - "The Thing"
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (183)
bobbyfmaul 2
New nick name - "The Thing"
farnsworth 3
Ur caught orange handed!
deviable 9
Now they match!
BIGBOY4rmAHM 19
Or oompa loompa. Which ever OP prefers.
AyeTee77 18
It wasn't your girlfriends $90 lotion was it?
chlorinegreen 27
Your going to be a hit at the highlighter party!
KateWesley44 0
GOLDMEMBER :D
sleepydeath 4
Most people forget to tan there
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
He could be Snookie? Stupid Jersey Shore..
flakitaa22 0
I've seen this FML before. It's old.
flakitaa22 0
I've seen this FML before. It's old.
elpopsw 0
Wouldn't they have matched already?
thatssomeBS 9
There are 666 YDI's, so I think I'll wait a bit before hitting that. But OP definitely deserves it... I've never made that mistake personally. More of a dry guys myself.
thatssomeBS 9
guy* That definitely shouldn't have been plural. Could be taken the wrong way.
tattooedcowboy 6
It was and lmfao
ducttapewallet 7
This man has quite the substitute vocabulary...
Meowingtons500 18
We found the missing dick of Pauly D! *confers with collegues* It's a Christmas miracle!
G0v3nat0r 7
I agree with 28 lol
flakitaa22 0
I've read this FML before. It's old.
unitedfan11 0
"spurt my man mush"? Am I the only one who's never heard of this term?
ZehFBabii 4
No,you are not alone,this is my first time hearing this
karch 0
Is only one hand orange? That'd be a dead giveaway
VoteForTaco 8
Do they glow in the dark?
UmbreonKirby 14
This reply chain xD
CABOOSE8563 0
What's the saying? Look before you wank? No... That's not it...
chlorinegreen 27
I have a feeling he will be using the hand for awhile. Just more careful with what he uses. OP you should be more careful when your raiding moms bathroom closet.
deviable 9
Before you wank, empty the tank.
upyourzlolz 11
Before you wank, grab the $90 moisturizer.
blackstar994 5
Good one 96! xD
supertacowaffle 41
I have never heard of man-mush until today...?
abbytequiere 9
You deserve this just for calling it your man-mush. Really?
moop256 10
Well how funny would this FML be without him calling his junk some funny name... Still funny but not as much
moop256 10
Holy shit I'm am really out of it... YEAAHHH!!!!! LSD :D
moop256 10
In my head right now thumbs downs are good :D
moop256 10
Thank you talking cola bottle you always where better than Pepsi. I loved coke as a child sometimes used to snort bottles of it...Ahhh coke
builditbetter09 3
Stop trying man.
moop256 10
Shhhh you'll wake up me... He has been riding my ass lately
babyyninjas 1
you sound stupid FYL moop
Amrel 10
Da ****??????
JiggaJayZ 16
Obviously trolling. Roflwaffles
MissMae93 23
Moop - you must be on some pretty shitty acid to be able to type without the letters being jumbled. I'm assuming you realized how dumb you sounded and decided to pretend to be on drugs in order to cover up. Next time, choose a drug you've ACTUALLY done.
Ayoshiegg 0
Hey, at least he made it rhyme. In a rush to spurt his man-mush. I give him props for this. ^_^
danny1170 0
Nice one u are hot by the way
danny1170 0
Nice
Takador 3
I repeat, WHO THE **** USES LOTION TO **********?!?!?!? You ******* pricks
minisquid 9
Man-mush (noun): an alternate name for semen, often used to avoid the social awkwardness that comes using discussing semen. However, it usually makes the situation MORE awkward.
robertlovespi 3
Time to lube up the rest of your body to even it up!
f_ckml432 8
I'm pretty sure I've read this somewhere before
f_ckml432 8
And it also sounds like something that would be on American Pie
flockz 20
never rush the man mush. treat the man mush nicely and give a sincere wank everytime. i suggest you line the hallway leading to your bathroom with rose petals.
Epictacos18 0
U sir or mam are a funny man or woman
upyourzlolz 11
Hey 84! Click on that square next to his name! Yes, the one with the kids playing "Guess Who". Congrats. Now you know which set of genitalia Flockz has.
twinny_sc 13
Shower.
GirlWithName1324 0
That can help. Plus your skin cells will eventually fall off, so maybe rubbing would speed that up, and as you can see in the FML...he likes rubbing his man-mush
Sulphuric_Glue 16
90 all men do (and btw man mush means semen not penis)
lizard399 0
Care for a carrot ladies? Haha
Serythvalker 7
So many eager young bunnies that id love to pursue. Now even though they eaten out the palm of my hand, there's only one carrot and they all gotta share it! - Bruno Mars
flockz 20
if life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. - George Washington
Sulphuric_Glue 16
If life gives you lemons, make life take the lemons back. I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these!? -Cave Johnson
NippsSlipps 10
I said a wank, wank a wankitty wank.
Glidefedt 6
I said a wank wank wankitty wank! Gotta love HYMYM
alissa412 33
Well that's now stuck in my head
smittyman1990 0
At least it isn't icy hot...
Nebulas_n_Novas 7
Good point
anzie_fml 9
Or his girlfriend's $90 moisterizer.
yumlicious 4
Moisturizer
yummcookie 0
Moisturiser - Stop changing our language!