Miscellaneous

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

Bad hair day

Today, I went to get a haircut and the first thing the lady asked was, "So, do you want to keep the mullet?" What mullet?! FML

Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said, "Man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says, "I'm a member of that church…" OOPS. Silence. FML

Today, a guy sitting next to me in class asked me for a pen. I accidentally handed him a tampon instead. FML

Today, my parents told me that they received a letter from a prison. Being curious they opened it up and read the entire thing. It was from this girl I randomly met. Now I have a prison stalker and my parents think I date felons. FML

Today, my friend and I were in a hallway talking while a man kept walking by and turning around. I then asked him "WHAT are you LOOKING for!". It was a blind man. FML

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle taking my sweater off in the locker room. FML

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML

Today, on my 18th birthday, my mom told me the man I thought was my father for 18 years was actually not my father, and my real father was in prison for murder. FML

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

Today, I broke, shoveled, and salted the ice covering my entire driveway. The size is roughly 8 cars' worth, and took me two hours of back-breaking effot to clear. I completely forgot that it was supposed to rain later today. FML

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

Today, I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML

Today, I went to buy some Ibuprofen and got asked for ID. You have to be over 16 to buy it. I'm 25. FML

No touching!

Today, at the mall my brother and I went to look at a vendor's items when my mom said not to touch anything. Thinking my brother was standing next to me, I saw him touching stuff so I smacked him in the arm and told him to stop. I turn to see that the old lady to my side was giving me a mean look. FML

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

Today, I got bored on the toilet and decided to paint my nails. I ended up having to wait half an hour to wipe. FML

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

Today, I downloaded the 'Dark was the Night' compilation made for charity. I have no soul. FML

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

Whoops

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

Today, I figured out that my baby-powder container can be closed by twisting the cap. I just got back from a long trip. My suitcase used to be black. FML