Today, I spent four hours practicing funny voices. I have literally nothing better to do all day. FML
Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML
Today, I was trying to finish an English assignment and I was not sure how to complete it, so I emailed my teacher to ask her for help. She told me to… flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML
Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML
Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML
Today, I got together with a small gathering of friends in a bar. I go up to the bar to order something, but with all the music and noise, the barman can't hear what I'm trying to say, so he leans forward, cocking his ear towards me. For some reason, I thought he was being friendly so I kissed him as if we were saying hello to each other. FML
Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML
Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML
Today, I'm a 23 year-old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML
Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML
Today, as I came out of changing rooms in a clothes shop, I gave back all the stuff I'd tried on to a saleswoman. I then walked off, made it a couple of yards, changed my mind, and decided to purchase one of the items I'd tried. When I got back, the saleswoman was spraying the changing room I'd used with deodorant. FML
Today, my mother bought me Mickey Mouse shaped burgers for my dinner. I'm 19. FML
Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML
Today, at the age of 22, I started eating my boogers. FML
Today, we were out smoking a bit of spliff just walking around. We saw a place to sit down in this little car park we were walking past. The cops came over and busted us. Turns out we were in the main car park for the cop shop. FML
Today, I made some popcorn. Returning to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, I realized I was supposed to put a cover on the saucepan. FML
Today, I woke up to find that the large container of leftover beef stroganoff that I put down the garbage disposal last night had backed up into my bathtub this morning. FML
Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most amazing time with my girlfriend, catching it all on tape. When I got back to South America, I realized someone had stolen my camera. FML
Today, like every month, the beautician spent 10 minutes removing the hairs from my stomach. I'm a girl. FML
Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML
Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML
Today, I went into a shop, not really completely awake. To get to the upper floor, I took the escalator... in the wrong direction. After about 30 seconds (which seemed like hours) trying to climb up the wrong way, my brain started working and by that time I already had a few amused spectators watching me. FML
Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML
Today, I lent my brand new earrings to one of my friends. Everyone told her that they are pretty, and look really great on her. I've been wearing them for the last 3 weeks, and no one has ever mentioned them. FML
Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML
Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML
Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML
Today, I went shopping with a friend. She went to try some clothes on and came out to ask for my opinion. "Hell no! That shirt is awful!" She wanted to show me the pants. The shirt was hers. FML
Today, I got unbelievably drunk and pissed in the corner of my room, all over a plug socket, which blew out the electrics. FML
Today, to amuse my girlfriend, I put on her sexy nightshirt and went out on the balcony for a smoke, all while shaking my booty about in front of her window. She laughed, until one of her neighbors shouted, "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML
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