Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML
Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML
Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML
Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML
Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. FML
Today, I went swimming. While I was walking along side of the pool, everyone was staring at me. I began to think that my diet was really working. It was only an hour later, in the changing rooms, that I noticed the string from my Tampax that was sticking out of my swimming costume. FML
Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML
Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML
Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML
Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine produced in the year I was born. The wine tastes foul; not a good omen. FML
Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML
Today, Father Christmas touched my ass in a shopping mall. I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen on Christmas Day. FML
Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML
Today, I bought "Angus, thongs and perfect snogging" on DVD. FML
Today, I got fed up with my neighbor who has been coughing, night and day, for six months. I rang at her door to tell her about several remedies I know of to help, so I could sleep. I thus found out she has lung cancer. FML
Today, after repairing the toilet, the light, the shower, the cooker and the heater in the flat I've just moved into, my boiler dies. It's mid December, about 1 degree outside. FML
Today, I told myself, "Come on you geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your computer, go for a walk." I finally mustered the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've now been in an internet café for four hours. FML
Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML
Today, I aimed at the little blue thing placed at the bottom of the urinal. I learned the hard way that it splashes off it and makes little blue stains on jumpers. FML
Today, I cut my nice and tasty home-made sandwich in half to give to a homeless man. He tasted it, pulled an unimpressed face, and then stuck it in his pocket. FML
Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML
Today, a girl in my class turned around and said, "Wow, you've got your photo on a rubber! That's amazing!" The rubber was designed to look like a £10 note, and the picture was of the Queen of England. FML
Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I bit into my pen and smeared my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML
Today, I wanted to join the bus drivers strike. I couldn't… the buses were on strike. FML
Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years-old; he's 97. FML
Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML
Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML
Today, I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn't shaved. FML
Today, as I often do, I had sex in my old car. I'm 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we're still living with our parents. FML
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