Workout Champ

Today, I found out that my ex let my son eat nothing but cereal and milk for every single meal during his five-day visit. Now my son shrieks, cries, and has a meltdown if I try to make him eat real food. My ex merely replied, "Your problem now." FML

Car Wars

Territorial pissings

All for nothing

By cereal mom - 7/7/2018 15:00

3882

399

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

By me - 18/6/2011 23:54 - United States

32661

3817

Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Now she's threatening to kill herself if I don't forgive her. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2015 11:28 - United States - Manhattan Beach

29807

2087

Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

By - 15/2/2020 01:00

Too stupid

443

2106

Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML

By timiscuous - 20/4/2020 20:00 - New Zealand

Thousand-yard stare

1689

250

Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

By Imgonnahaveabf - 5/1/2012 12:06 - United States

32302

3587

Today, my parents came to visit me at the ranch I work at. They're scared to death of horses, but I was explaining how they are almost completely harmless. I was showing them how to work around the horse without getting kicked. As they relaxed, the horse kicked me. I now have a broken leg. FML

By Owned - 25/3/2009 23:43 - United States

61693

9188

Today, I had to sit and smile as a drunk lady ranted about how body hair on a woman is disgusting and unfeminine, then in the next breath say that only pedos like women who shave their vaginas. That's the last time I ever have dinner with my boyfriend's parents. FML

By Anonymous - 6/3/2015 16:51 - Canada - Toronto

31684

2324

Today, my internet was so slow I couldn't even load an internet speed test to see how slow my internet was. FML

By bbcgj - 4/7/2015 09:30 - Sweden - Uppsala

27588

2834

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

By hate enough to kill... - 14/10/2012 20:57 - Netherlands - Stevensweert

29402

1976

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

By knoppad - 13/6/2009 19:46 - United States

9802

50930

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 00:43 - Finland - Helsinki

30767

2167

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

By shitface - 25/1/2010 10:18 - Australia

33449

3413

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

By meowymomma - 25/6/2016 19:21 - United States

24408

1431

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

By - 31/12/2009 23:41 - France

53663

2817

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

By DoYourWorst - 10/3/2017 06:00 - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

4646

313

Today, my mom found out that I've been having counselling behind her back for the past 4 years. I broke down in tears explaining everything. Her response was, "So you go and bitch about me behind my back?!" And she wonders why I'm depressed. FML

By Anonymous - 14/6/2014 10:11 - United States - San Jose

53610

5602

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

By Anonymous - 26/2/2016 20:22 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

20990

1362

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a major scholarship competition. After months of waiting, during which my parents were convinced I had won, I discovered that my entry had never been received. Apparently the woman I had confirmed with had had a long day, and lied so that she could go home. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 22:27 - United States

63775

2790

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 12:12 - Philippines - Quezon City

30732

3714

Today, at work I was looking for my lost wallet. After hours of looking I gave up and went home. The wallet then shows up in my mail box with an envelope marked "To the asshole." I opened the letter and it was filled with poop. My wallet too. FML

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 07:06 - Canada

32549

5028

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

By fuglymug - 8/1/2016 21:48 - United States - Appleton

26336

2332

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

By not a dick-man - 12/8/2014 17:05 - Canada - Victoria

48545

31303

Today, I tried dying my hair blonde. I put my hair in a bun and waited for it to dye. I guess I did something wrong, because my hair is now 4 different shades of blonde/orange, along with patches of my natural black hair. FML

By shitberries - 25/12/2015 16:00 - United States - Jefferson City

17024

11859

Today, my friends hired a male stripper to give me a lap dance for my birthday. It was all pretty nice until he let rip one of the most nauseating farts I've ever encountered, right in my face. Hours later, I can still smell it. FML

By polebitch49 - 14/3/2014 20:45 - Canada - Toronto

59856

7421

Today, I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. My usual doctor wasn't available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. FML

By Joel_28 - 1/3/2010 00:33 - Canada

17407

20495

Today, I had to explain to my seventeen year-old daughter that deep frying food doesn't "melt the calories." FML

By DeepFriedLettuce - 29/4/2016 01:33 - United States - Vashon

13347

1502

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

By karen - 27/9/2019 14:00

I'm a meme

1529

371

Today, I arrived at work to find out someone had signed me up to a dating site. Apparently, my inability to speak to women has reached "boss level". Quite literally, as my boss was the one who signed me up. FML

By ctmoto77 - 24/3/2015 17:09 - United States - San Francisco

30697

3401

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2011 04:26 - New Zealand

62378

7739

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

By GingerJ - 2/1/2012 01:22 - United Kingdom

34918

8332

Today, I have to deliver a wedding speech. I also have a cold. That would be bad enough, but ever since I was a kid, if I cough or sneeze, I also fart. FML

By gassy - 17/8/2018 18:30

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

2792

206

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 03:18 - United States

11472

105564

Today, my young daughter came up to me, grabbed my face and said, "I'm putting you in the garbage." When I laughed and asked why, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are trash." FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 17:41 - Canada

33514

3869

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

By captain patch beard - 3/10/2019 18:01

RIP Beard

1849

374

Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML

By not cool - 28/6/2013 05:16 - Australia - Sunnybank

54665

3162

Today, I was singing Alicia Keys in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, screaming. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML

By legit - 2/3/2009 05:22 - United States

20151

46793

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2009 14:23 - United States

49137

3175

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 21:10 - United States

28385

1992