When I try to quit junk food

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

Videos

Understandable

Instadrama

Hello everyone!

By dadum - 27/1/2011 07:17 - Australia

42387

3626

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

By Noname - 6/2/2009 18:25 - United States

13691

52369

Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML

By addie19 - 19/1/2010 19:25 - United States

29616

2905

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

By EPICfml. - 2/3/2009 19:01 - United States

91461

13485

Today, my boyfriend and I cleaned his parents' whole house while they were out, just to be nice. When they came home, they assumed we only did it because we'd made some huge mess that we needed to hide. I'm now banned from their house. FML

By teea - 15/11/2012 23:34 - Australia - Saint Lucia

29346

2463

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 20:21 - United States

33854

3327

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 07:11 - New Zealand

33583

5856

Today, I was refereeing a soccer match and I called a foul. An angry coach kept screaming at me, saying "You're crazy!" I asked him to leave the field. As he left, he lifted his middle finger and screamed, "FUCK YOU!" I ref 5-year-olds. FML

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 16:21 - United States - Colorado Springs

49233

3379

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

By me - 14/6/2014 15:28 - United States - West Babylon

49809

4620

Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML

By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 15:55 - United States - Pleasanton

54088

6002

Today, I asked my surgeon if I would be having a general or local anesthetic at my upcoming operation. He replied, "General, of course! It's gonna be a slaughterhouse in there!" FML

By pong - 6/8/2013 21:59 - France - Toulouse

45866

4039

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

By puggles - 3/1/2011 06:52 - United States

37547

7721

Today, I was feeling abnormally self-confident, so I decided to skip putting on any makeup. The first thing my 7-year-old cousin said when she saw me was, "You look like my pet rat!" FML

By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 18:22 - United States

47518

5352

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

By dom - 8/9/2010 06:53 - United States

24211

33735

Today, I started my first day of work at our local humane society. I asked where the break room was, so my coworker directed me to a small room in the back of the building. The only place I get to take my lunch break is the same room where they euthanize, freeze and cremate the animals. FML

By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 14:22 - United States - Cottonwood

28831

7867

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

By anna - 22/12/2011 21:25 - France

35842

4574

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

By maystar - 26/5/2018 15:00

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

3758

287

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

By randinosaur - 13/3/2011 12:48 - United States

54034

4222

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 08:00

No thanks, mom

1990

111

Today, I was fed up with things being taken from my room so I installed a key-locking handle on my door. I installed everything but the door knobs, and because I was worried that I would put the two of them on backwards, I closed the door to check. I'm now locked in my room. FML

By Professional - 29/5/2017 14:00

2185

3914

Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML

By Lil Bro - 17/7/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Smethwick

17527

1551

Today, I passed out. I fell to the hardwood floor, cut my chin, and bit through my lip. Fortunately, my brother was there to help stop the bleeding and get me some water. All I had to do was wait until he finished his game of Call of Duty. FML

By jami898 - 18/8/2015 04:30 - United States - Medford

24500

1834

Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML

By blackntangirl - 18/7/2009 23:31 - United States

53218

13953

Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML

By Anonymous - 14/6/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Croydon

8285

44051

Today, I went to a parade. While I was there, I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend. Trying to prove I was over him, I tried to act like I was oblivious to them and having a great time. I turned around, only for a piece of candy to hit me square me in the eye. FML

By HarleyDavison - 5/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Harrisonville

36253

5387

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 20:18 - United States

82320

7217

Today, I was invited out to a date by my ex-boyfriend. He seemed really excited to reconnect and kept holding my hand and complimenting how I looked. Out of nowhere a girl runs up to him screaming. It was his current girlfriend, he was using me to make her jealous. FML

By savvylady - 18/6/2009 04:52 - United States

53305

6678

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

By T3kM4n - 20/9/2016 06:08 - United States - Spokane

16741

1213

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

By waterspike - 29/1/2010 13:18 - France

32688

9904

Today, my parents lectured me about the importance of family, and how forgiveness is necessary. This came after I stopped speaking to my sister. I cut her out of my life after she slept with a second boyfriend of mine. Apparently, it’s up to me to "be the bigger person." FML

By fuck you sis - 12/10/2019 16:00

Loyalty card

2137

119

Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of pee all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML

By Anonymous - 5/4/2014 23:16 - United States - Windsor Heights

42296

6392

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 20:42 - United States

57402

94356

Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML

By siikman313 - 12/9/2011 21:37 - United States

38467

3929

Today, I got written up because apparently leaning on the counter at work is unprofessional, even if you're about to pass out and the counter is the only thing keeping you on your feet. FML

By kaybear13 - 5/8/2015 08:39 - United States - San Mateo

25442

2368

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

By DogThermoeter - 10/3/2019 18:00

2077

1444

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2019 06:00 - Australia - Carlton

2301

Phew, glad it wasn't me

364

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

By Joe - 8/7/2011 18:48 - United States

34602

22307

Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

By fml9124 - 20/3/2020 18:00

Quick reflexes

1470

598

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 17:00 - United States - Fort Myers

27422

2998

Today, a girl confessed that she's loved me for years and wants to marry me and have my children. It was my half-sister and she said it in front of everyone at a family wedding. I don't know who to be most afraid of at this point: her fiancé or my stepdad. FML

By awkward wedding - 18/10/2018 22:00

3863

167