Tough Day

Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML

DINOSAURS!!

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 13/9/2011 05:53 - United States

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Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Gross!

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Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

By Whoops - 2/11/2018 14:00

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Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

By fuckmeitsgettingworse - 24/2/2014 19:36 - United Kingdom - Derby

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Today, after three weeks of holding out, my stingy boss finally called animal control about the birds in the air vent above the register. While I was working, they rummaged through the vents, causing live maggots to fall down right in front of me. FML

By shaviTuT - 7/2/2013 19:44 - Malaysia - Bandar Penggaram

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Today, at work, I was told I was a failure. Feeling like crap, I went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh. He told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me, so he thought that we shouldn't anymore. FML

By ohhhjaymo13 - 5/2/2011 05:58 - United States

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Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

By Anonymous - 1/11/2015 08:48 - United Kingdom - Pinner

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Today, while bowling on a first date, the guy I ended things with 3 days before was bowling too. In the lane next to ours. FML

By Cece - 11/7/2019 14:00

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Today, my friend was showing me pictures of her and her family. I told her to stop at one of the pictures. I started laughing my back off and said that she looked grotesque. She asked me if I was serious, I swore that I was. It was actually a picture of her sister, who died 1 year ago. FML

By Sam - 1/2/2010 05:45 - United States

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Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

By Katie - 20/2/2011 08:35 - Reserved

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Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 01:50 - United States - Schenectady

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Today, I found out that for the past 6 months I have been sleeping next to a dead body. The cremated body of my landlord's father. It was hidden inside a wardrobe that I was not supposed to use. FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 17:00

Death at one's elbow

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Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

By chairlee - 7/11/2009 08:12 - United States

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Today, my sister-in-law is refusing to let me or my children be a part of her kids' lives. She’s even going as far as trying to make my brother stop speaking to us as well. Why? Simply because I'm an atheist. FML

By hail science! - 21/4/2020 08:00

Heretic!

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Today, I had fallen asleep in the back of a friend's car on the way home from a night out. When I woke up, they were in the middle of a full-on make out session. I had to pretend to be asleep for 20 minutes until they decided to "wake me up". FML

By mikmak - 20/12/2015 13:26 - United States - Charlotte

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Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

By owch - 23/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Maumee

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Today, my family got mad at me for eloping and not inviting them to my wedding. Even though they admitted they wouldn't have gone anyway. FML

By BlueSteele220 - 22/3/2016 08:57 - United States - Coppell

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Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

By Massasam - 11/10/2011 20:53 - United States

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Today, my friend thought it would be funny to use an electric sander on my arm during our construction class. FML

By damngotkik - 20/12/2017 19:00

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Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

By Chlo - 11/8/2019 22:00

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Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML

By boo8713 - 28/11/2012 06:06 - United States - Bell

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Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

By why - 4/10/2018 07:30 - United States

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Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

By Alisha Marie - 4/8/2010 04:20 - United States

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Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

By markymark - 17/5/2011 17:36 - United States

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Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 14:02

Party in my underpants!

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Today, I ran out of underwear and so I went into my mom's drawer to borrow a pair from her. It was then that I found out my mom uses the same vibrator as I do. FML

By Ab - 10/2/2009 01:50 - United States

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Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

By geoduck - 10/2/2011 05:31 - United States

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Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

By ShootMe - 7/9/2017 23:15

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

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Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2020 18:00

This Charming Man

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Today, I found out that my ex-husband just had a baby with his new partner. We only split up a week ago. FML

By paula123 - 18/12/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

By sugarbeet - 4/12/2011 01:39 - United States

Sounds nice

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Today, a customer at work pronounced the word "Asian" as "Ah-See-Awn" when ordering a salad. I wasn't allowed to say anything. FML

By PaneraSucks - 19/2/2014 06:24 - United States - Londonderry

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Today, I had to attend a meeting with my parents, my teacher, and my bully and his parents. When we started, my bully "broke down" and "tearfully" told the teacher that I was the one bullying him, and that he was getting blamed to cover it all up. They believed him. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2016 22:36 - United States - Hampton

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Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

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Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

By AmberHavoc - 2/1/2013 15:01 - United Kingdom

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Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

By Lonely - 24/11/2009 10:49 - United States

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Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

By bbt - 18/8/2018 22:00

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Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML

By mylifesucks - 26/3/2011 07:05

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Today, I was walking in Walmart with my dad. We walked past the deodorant aisle. My dad said, "Need any deodorant?" I said, "No thanks." He replied, "That was a hint." FML

By CanadianTwin - 6/7/2012 06:52 - Canada - Grande Prairie

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