Miscellaneous: Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently.... - FML

By Kyrstin Budd

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

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Season finale

BO Central

Out of it

By thisblows - United States

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after years of marriage and my lazy husband letting himself go, I can now finish a bottle of wine and still be sober. This means I've built immunity to the last thing that can make me want to have sex with him. FML

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By Lorky - United States

There goes the neighborhood

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

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By dumbbass - Canada

Today, I spilled a glass of iced tea all over my desk. It trickled down the wall and fried an extension cord. FML

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By BooBabe - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a restaurant in front of a lot of people. Once I said yes, some guy yelled out, "SEX. SEX. SEX." My boyfriend yelled back, "LATER!" FML

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By - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

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By ScarredForLife - United States

Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML

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By Anon. - United States

Today, for my girlfriend's birthday, I got her an external hard drive and my grandmother's engagement ring. When she opened both boxes, I took her hand and looked deep in her eyes and told her to pick whichever she wanted. She took the external hard drive, even though she already has one. FML

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By Firefighter Groom - 7/2/2021 23:01

And you are?

Today, I got married to my girlfriend of three years. Her mother's Alzheimer's came into play at the wedding when she asked who I was. My bride-to-be couldn't stop crying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

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By itsjustemcee - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years and I went to visit my 85 year-old grandmother at the hospital. While I went to the restroom, she apparently told him about a guy I was seeing on the side. I have no idea who she's talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

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By Kelly - United States

Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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By dontworrybehappy - United States

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn't change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML

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By anon

Smells like Toddler Spirit

Today, a toddler threw up on my backpack mid-flight. FML

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By blah blah

Today, I tried convincing my husband to spend his day off work with me because we both work a lot, and have almost no time to spend together. His literal response was, “I’d rather pick a shift up at work.” FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML

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By healthfreak - United States - Marietta

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", honey. FML

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By Hmmwtf - Australia

Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

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By resurrected - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

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By NevertheKool - United States - Union City

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

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By Olive14

Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML

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By weeping_willow - 1/6/2020 08:00

Cheeky little bastards

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

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By ConfusedDad - United States

Today, I went to my bedroom for some alone time while my daughter watched TV. I didn't realize that my iPad was still connected to the Apple TV, until I hit play on some porn and heard a scream from the other room. FML

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By nyaahaha - United States

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

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By Insomniac - United States - Wasilla

Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my new prescription medicine for my chronic acne did in fact work. It worked by inflaming the skin around my zits so that they blended in. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 11:01

Happy New Year!

Today, my New Year’s Eve consisted of four things: being home alone, drinking cheap alcohol out of a tooth mug, getting an upset stomach from that, then going to bed early with ear plugs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

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By C. Kronick - United States

Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML

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By gibsonSG323 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

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By EmoToyBoy

Spiritual connection

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

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By Xero_316 - Canada

Paperboy on Commodore 64

Today, I was doing my paper route. I throw the papers onto people's driveways while sitting on the back of my dad's truck. To be funny my dad decided to suddenly speed up, causing me to fall off the back of the truck, face first onto the road. He didn't realize I fell off and kept driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Matteson

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

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By Spudzy - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Somerset

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

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By screwyouchris - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By anonymous - Australia - Mitcham

Today, my boss brought his cat to the office. Despite our no pet policy, I still managed to get the blame when the crazy animal scratched 3 colleagues and peed on the floor after my boss left for bathroom. Apparently I was supposed to be "looking after it". FML

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Top comments

By PanemEtCircenses | 14

#7438213 - Thursday 13 April 2017 12:38

As long as what's inside isn't like Trump.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7438247 - Thursday 13 April 2017 13:50

The combover is never a good look!

COMMENTS

By PanemEtCircenses | 14

#7438213 - Thursday 13 April 2017 12:38

As long as what's inside isn't like Trump.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7438247 - Thursday 13 April 2017 13:50

The combover is never a good look!

By Sandy Storey | 4

#7438404 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:08

Ughhhh

By Greggorio49203 | 3

#7438428 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:39

that's a good thing. Trump will go down in history as the best president in history!!!
#maga

Reply

GhostFox | 33

#7440594 - Tuesday 18 April 2017 6:20

Good joke.

By ronski | 41

#7438614 - Friday 14 April 2017 2:03

Change your hair style

By xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#7438668 - Friday 14 April 2017 6:11

Pics please? (: