Miscellaneous: Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently.... - FML

By Kyrstin Budd

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

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Family values

Seize the means of production

No, Drake, no

By DocKreso - Croatia - Split

Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML

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By My__life___ - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By socal000 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML

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By NYeeerrr

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

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By Tori - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Despite all my attempts to explain that he's wrong, he is totally convinced that my genitals have diabetes. This guy is going to be such a great father to our kids. FML

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By terrified - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 21:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Seize the day

Today, I asked my boyfriend what would happen if I didn’t get into the same school as him. He replied, "Then we’ll just break up." We broke up. I still don’t know what school I’m going to. FML

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By Marty - United States - Irving

Today, I bought a small bottle of liquor to share with my husband to celebrate our move. It took 3 hours at the store as the cashier, manager, GM, and a police officer checked my ID believing it was fake. I'm 25. FML

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By ewww - 5/7/2020 17:01

Got game

Today, I went to visit my grandma at her old folks’ home. The soup she got for lunch was cold so I took it to the dining room to heat it up. As I put it in the microwave, a slow clap started behind me. I had to stand and wait for soup to heat while being wolf-whistled by a bunch of grandpas. FML

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By Foreveralone - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By CandlesSuck - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Toothy. - Australia

Today, I went to the dentist to have two cavities filled. I hate the dentist. After he'd started drilling, I heard a "clunk" noise followed by an "Oops." My dentist had cut my tooth in half. Now I have to go to surgery to have the tooth extracted. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 01:01 - United States - Atoka

Leave spiders alone

Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML

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By SonofDonald - United States

Today, I went on a date with a co-worker I've been interested in for some time. The topic of discussion she chose over lunch: how she's living a double-life as an escort in Flint and that she thinks she's picked up an STD from unprotected sex. FML

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By fucking fuck off - United States

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

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By Ignored - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML

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By poolgirl789 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Hands-on

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

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By manda8484 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

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By fired - United States - Millis

Today, my boss fired me after chewing me out for the horrible date he had with my mother. FML

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By jasondrags - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I tried to arrange my first gallery exhibition as a photography student. Not even my mother wants to come. FML

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By absense - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

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By itswhateverr - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my boyfriend told me that if he was to break up with me, he would do it in a crowded location so I couldn't start to cry or make a scene. FML

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By Username - India

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

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By yuck - United States

Today, I was in the basement at my grandma's house. The bathroom is on the ground floor and there's a laundry chute that goes down to the basement. I looked through the chute to see if the bathroom light was on. A pair of shitty underpants came down and landed in my face. They were my grandma's. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Metairie

Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my grandmother. Turns out my father found out about my elopement with my husband through my stepmother, because someone she works with told her. We were planning on it being a surprise, and telling people on Christmas. My father won't even talk to me now. FML

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By thatwasembarrassing

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

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By Dave - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockwall

User notice

Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother that spooning has nothing to do with using a spoon to clean out a woman's vagina after sex. FML

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By ihateloopholes - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

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By nearlythere - Australia

Today, I was getting ready to perform a speech in anthropology on the globalization of public transportation and how it brings cultures together. On the bus ride there, the girls behind me were discussing ways to hide their track marks after injecting. FML

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By genderless - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

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By nottelling7012 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

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By Dominic - Canada

Today, as a prank, my friends put a big bucket of water on my door so that it would spill on me as I exited my room. It would have been funny if I hadn't been holding my $900 laptop as I was walking out. FML

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By THATgirl

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

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By iskiel - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was shopping at my workplace, out of uniform, with my husband. A customer recognised me and wanted me to serve him, but I couldn't since we can be fired for doing so while off-duty. He complained to my manager, who wasted no time publicly bitching me out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

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Top comments

By PanemEtCircenses | 14

#7438213 - Thursday 13 April 2017 12:38

As long as what's inside isn't like Trump.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7438247 - Thursday 13 April 2017 13:50

The combover is never a good look!

COMMENTS

By PanemEtCircenses | 14

#7438213 - Thursday 13 April 2017 12:38

As long as what's inside isn't like Trump.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7438247 - Thursday 13 April 2017 13:50

The combover is never a good look!

By Sandy Storey | 4

#7438404 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:08

Ughhhh

By Greggorio49203 | 3

#7438428 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:39

that's a good thing. Trump will go down in history as the best president in history!!!
#maga

Reply

GhostFox | 33

#7440594 - Tuesday 18 April 2017 6:20

Good joke.

By ronski | 41

#7438614 - Friday 14 April 2017 2:03

Change your hair style

By xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#7438668 - Friday 14 April 2017 6:11

Pics please? (: