Today, after recently getting stitches removed due to a surfing... - FML

By Michael292 - 19/12/2016 06:33 - South Africa - Pietermaritzburg

Today, after recently getting stitches removed due to a surfing accident, I had to go to the hospital again to have my eye stitched up due to an idiot who brought a surfboard to a pool, got on it outside the pool, and it slipped from under him and into my face. FML

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Life is good, life is great, life is full of stitches...

The student becomes the master

Abuse

In my day…

By kids say the darnedest things - 19/7/2014 02:56 - United States - Denver

Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 06:08 - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

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By Natsert99 - 8/12/2016 14:02 - United States - Deerfield

Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 00:11 - Canada - Toronto

Timing

Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML

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By audreyav - 30/6/2012 08:10 - United States - Dallas

Today, I discovered my cat's favorite hobby: sitting butthole-first on my favorite makeup brush. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 19:11 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML

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By Susan - 18/3/2013 08:59 - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

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By Raset24 - 30/6/2016 17:40

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 20:00 - United States - Framingham

Today, my fiancé pawned off my engagement ring so he could buy himself a PS4. FML

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By Ibrowtheedge - 16/8/2018 20:30

Today, I shaved off half of my right eyebrow by accident. It still looks better than my left eyebrow. FML

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By XoxoChula - 22/3/2013 05:41 - United States

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

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By DutchOven - 4/7/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

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By missmom83 - 24/4/2014 15:28 - United States - Torrington

Today, my toddler found my daughter's recorder from 3rd grade and figured out how to play the highest pitch note. Of course, my daughter pulls out her trombone to have a jam session. And I'm out of ibuprofen. FML

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By indefiniteforest - 20/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

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By presidont - 18/10/2009 12:25 - Switzerland

Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML

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By kk- - 17/6/2019 17:05

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

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By fired - 23/11/2010 13:41 - United States

Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML

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By j0hn - 23/2/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2018 01:30

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

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By psh_idontbite - 13/3/2015 03:55 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

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By frustrated - 17/5/2014 10:11 - United States - Forest Park

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

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By Reggie - 27/4/2018 19:00

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

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By cantwin - 31/5/2013 13:54 - Belgium - Zwevegem

Today, I visited my grandma. Shortly after I arrived, she freaked out after finding a "snake" in her closet. It was a rubber snake that my brother must have put there yesterday as a prank. I picked it up and told her it was fake. She then yelled at me for playing such a disgusting prank on her. FML

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By tax-man - 2/3/2013 02:35 - United States - Chapin

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

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By ow - 18/12/2016 18:33

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2017 01:30

Oops.

Today, within 24 hours at my new security job, I accidentally tasered the head of security in the groin, causing him to piss himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 15:15 - Denmark

Today, I decided to make the switch from pads to tampons. My boyfriend ended up having to show me how to apply them. FML

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By The Bad Guy - 9/3/2020 02:00 - Ireland

Old Thug Life

Today, an old lady came up to me and asked me to break a fifty for her. I gave her two twenties and a ten. I later used the fifty. It was counterfeit. I was conned by a pensioner. FML

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By bad luck Bianca - 17/1/2015 22:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

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By thafinest - 12/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

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By lovealways22 - 17/7/2012 07:19 - United States - Littleton

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years. I came home and when my dad asked what was wrong, I told him. His first reaction was, "Well damn it. Who'll go fishing with me now?" FML

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By apparentlyhesbusy - 23/11/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML

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By duckwater - 1/3/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2013 07:32 - United States - Sparks

Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:07 - United States

Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML

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Top comments

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#6726227 - Friday 23 December 2016 0:18

You're the only one that seems to get away with puns

By species4872 | 19

#6724623 - Monday 19 December 2016 17:07

Big waves in the pool no doubt.
Sorry about your injuries mate.

COMMENTS

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6724622 - Monday 19 December 2016 17:06

Hopefully, the tide will change with your bad luck and that you will coast in life from now on.

Reply

mattyiscool123 | 26

#6726227 - Friday 23 December 2016 0:18

You're the only one that seems to get away with puns

By species4872 | 19

#6724623 - Monday 19 December 2016 17:07

Big waves in the pool no doubt.
Sorry about your injuries mate.

By SilmeriaKai | 1

#6724627 - Monday 19 December 2016 17:12

Maybe the universe is saying you should avoid all water before you end up getting stitches from a surfboard accident while taking a bath. Sorry you're hurt. Hope you feel better soon. :)

By Dominus101 | 18

#6724629 - Monday 19 December 2016 17:16

This dude going Surf's Up on peoples face is reckless, he needs be more mindful of others to own that board, hope your eye isn't seriously damaged. Get better OP

By RichardPencil | 28

#6724642 - Monday 19 December 2016 17:36

You might want to stop surfing the Web, too, before something bad happens to you.

Looks like surfing's got it in for you.

By OysterPearls | 33

#6724664 - Monday 19 December 2016 19:52

Looks like the only waves you've been catching are waves of pain. FYL, OP.

By xercister | 19

#6724667 - Monday 19 December 2016 19:55

I gotta know... Did you see it coming?

Reply

Michael292 | 0

#6724714 - Monday 19 December 2016 21:53

Indeed I did but I did not recognise it.

By thatsme293 | 28

#6724680 - Monday 19 December 2016 20:50

Only in South Africa.

Reply

awesomeamandas | 37

#6724708 - Monday 19 December 2016 21:46

these 'only in---' jokes are getting really old.
please come up with something better, or don't comment.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#6724751 - Monday 19 December 2016 23:33

Only on FML can you see people bashing "only in" comments.

By ro_vibes | 3

#6724682 - Monday 19 December 2016 20:53

jammer bru

Reply

Michael292 | 0

#6724711 - Monday 19 December 2016 21:50

Ja, kak spat mooi in Durban.

By Dictionaryspeaks | 18

#6724726 - Monday 19 December 2016 22:16

Well at least it wasn't a shark or a Black Friday mob trampling you to save a 10 spot on a vacuum