Fishing Break Brake Fail!

Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML

Instadrama

Compassion

The student becomes the master

By Claire - 19/1/2013 13:51 - United States - Parkville

34108

7229

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

By icanteven - 12/9/2013 01:12 - United States - Florence

51741

2902

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

By colebear - 27/5/2011 08:45 - United States

29698

9134

Today, I found out that when people in my apartment complex warn their kids about strangers, they use me as the example. FML

By iamnotalawyer - 26/3/2012 04:55 - United States - Glendale

28420

4103

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

By Alex Xavier - 25/6/2018 01:30

False Advertising

4846

704

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

By not twilight - 5/12/2015 00:47 - United States - Charlotte

23350

1623

Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened I slipped and fell in the shower and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered "Well, she is masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!". FML

By notexactly - 29/12/2010 00:48 - Sweden

31880

3284

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

By FootFlakes - 9/4/2013 17:58 - United States - Boston

40872

4413

Today, my mother was reading an annual Christmas letter from an old university friend. When she remarked that she could have married him instead of my father, I replied that she wouldn't have had me then. She then said, "Exactly, I could have had his daughter instead." FML

By rejected - 23/12/2013 10:44 - Australia - Brisbane

48536

4090

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 20:00

Who's a good boy?

2082

166

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2015 14:20 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

25000

31847

Today, while my parents were grocery shopping, I cleaned the kitchen, swept floors, did laundry, and cleaned bathrooms, only to finish right before they got home. After dinner, my dad bitched and complained that I didn't take out the trash and he had no room to throw away his paper plate. FML

By Kay Kay - 23/5/2020 05:00

Can't win, part 15

1821

111

Today, my fiancée showed me her wedding plans. It will be themed on one of her video games, the best man will be dressed as an alien warlord, and the vows talk about how we'll beat the odds and be blessed by the "Goddess Kalahira". Apparently, I have no say in this. FML

By cestquoicebordel?? - 14/8/2012 22:50 - France

26748

6163

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2018 19:00

4292

289

Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML

By Davios - 27/12/2010 20:48 - United States

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5595

Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML

By Cindy - 20/3/2009 20:09 - United States

143589

7280

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

By lifesux - 31/12/2010 17:33 - United States

40225

3808

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explained stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

By shreking_bawl - 14/11/2014 18:39 - Norway

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Today, I woke up in a puddle of blood after 7 hours of sleep. Before going to bed, I had inserted a tampon that should've kept me dry for at least 8 hours. Apparently it doesn't work well if sleepy me forgets to take the top part of the plastic wrapping off. FML

By Anonymous - 1/11/2018 15:30

2351

1164

Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2009 13:30 - United States

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4753

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

By Customer Stonage Representative - 21/10/2011 12:10 - Canada

29754

2512

Today, an attention seeking weirdo who thinks she's my friend asked me who was going to be the maid of honour at my wedding. Knowing what she was really asking, I said I just want a small, non-fancy wedding with no bridesmaids. She broke down into a sobbing mess in front of me. FML

By Anonymous - 12/3/2016 11:13 - United Kingdom - London

18908

2065

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

By stuckonrepeat - 8/3/2012 08:06 - United Kingdom

17325

19472

Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

By pukishgirl - 18/11/2010 12:12 - India

33243

2870

Today, I followed an acne treatment. It was only after I'd finished the treatment that I read the bottom line, stating "Do not scrub your face". I only had one pimple to start with, now it looks like I sandpapered my face. FML

By Painfulfaceforme - 14/3/2010 02:30 - Canada

8732

31068

Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 10:57 - United States - Pharr

49160

4730

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

By Chipper - 9/6/2009 00:14 - United States

13074

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Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

By Username - 22/4/2011 14:42

35009

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Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2009 02:10 - United States

53579

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Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2019 16:00

1625

125

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

4853

497

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

By canessadawn - 17/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Portland

29261

2478

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

By Shoes - 12/6/2009 05:33 - United States

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Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 14:12 - United States

34308

4187

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

By floggingnasty - 13/2/2011 11:38 - United States

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2812

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

By shh - 9/10/2015 07:06 - United States - Scottsdale

25429

2749

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

By whitefox123 - 20/9/2010 00:07 - United States

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Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

By NotTheFavoriteChild - 3/4/2016 16:53

20289

1562

Today, I wanted to punish a student for being late. I decided to start a pop quiz before he arrived. I was positive there wasn't enough time for him to finish. He scored full marks and I couldn't say a word. FML

By K_M - 23/8/2010 04:18 - Malaysia

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Today, I overheard my parents talking about our family pet. Or at least I thought they were, until my mother exclaimed, "Honestly, I don't know why we keep her." Our dog is male. FML

By familypet - 9/1/2016 03:09 - United States - Vista

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