Andy Dwyer?

By genieinabottle - 6/2/2018 06:00 - Austria - Bad Ischl

Today, my boyfriend got rid of the full leg cast he had to wear for 6 weeks. He won't stop pissing in a bottle at night because it's more convenient than getting up. At least he empties it himself now. FML

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Love

Health

Minefield

Thanks, I'm cured!

Billy no-mates

By LadyGagasLOVER - 8/8/2010 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 23:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents hassled me for wanting to get my tongue pierced, saying it was filthy, unprofessional, and degrading. About an hour later, my sister let slip that my nipple is pierced. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

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By wdavi022 - 5/1/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - 26/3/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Poor Henry

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2016 13:48 - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

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By Alex - 30/9/2009 06:46 - Belgium

Today, I was notified that I've been going to the wrong courses for 4 weeks. A friend of mine was the only person to tell me that the administration had taken the privilege to change my courses. I have now failed 5 courses due to absences and have been suspended from college for 6 months. FML

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By WastedTime - 7/8/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

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By deweyd8855 - 3/7/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find work in Florida, despite living there for nine months. About 45 minutes into my 18-hour drive home, a TV station called me to offer me a job interview. I applied for that job over three months ago. FML

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By Awahso - 16/10/2013 21:42 - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

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By roflcopter - 19/8/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By aero00 - 27/7/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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By jennavankirk - 22/7/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I lied to a group of 8 year olds about having a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2016 02:38

Today, I walked into the living room to find my boyfriend plucking his ball hairs with the same tweezers I use for my eyebrows. FML

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By brokeaf - 11/7/2011 19:09 - United States

Today, I received a $50 iTunes card for my birthday. I immediately sat down at my computer and starting buying all my newest favorites. Then I realized I never redeemed my card so the $50 was all charged to my account. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

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By ToothHurtyAM - 18/10/2018 05:00

Today, the principal of my school asked me if I had practice. Knowing he's gullible, I said yes. I came home to find him and my mom having sex. FML

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By WTA - 20/2/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

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By forgettable - 21/6/2020 20:08

Revenge is rarely satisfactory

Today, I wanted to rub my success in my ex's face to get her back for breaking my heart. I typed the perfect email, included every detail of opening my own business, buying my own home and cleverly intertwined insults. A few hours later, she replied, "That’s nice. Who’s this?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, I was telling one of my patients I was upset because my sister wants to go to beauty school, and that I don't want her getting a worthless qualification and to aim higher. My patient replied saying she is a hair dresser. FML

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By dimtsis - 29/7/2010 01:24 - Australia

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

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By ihatemyjob - 15/8/2016 19:12

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2015 22:49 - United States

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend asked if he could come over and hang out. He only came because he ran out of food at his house. FML

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By I hear everything... - 22/4/2017 18:00

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

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By quietsleeper - 13/10/2009 11:07 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

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By crybaby - 28/6/2016 17:54 - United States - Seattle

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

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By Anon - 8/2/2017 05:00 - Australia

Head in the Clouds

Today, my 33-year-old brother told my 10-year-old daughter that clouds are made by factories blowing smoke. My daughter laughed at him and he got upset. He still believed my dad's lie from 25 years ago. FML

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By Flandre - 23/12/2018 12:00

Today I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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By Oops - 6/2/2010 08:17 - Australia

Today, I was talking to a female friend online. She was typing out a story bit by bit about how awful she was feeling after being teased. I was responding with "So, so true" but because of my slow typing it appeared after she wrote, "Doesn't help being fat." FML

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By whoops - 15/8/2016 04:07 - United States - Huntingdon

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her. She didn't tell or get mad, oh no. She looked at me for a few seconds then burst out laughing and called me a liar. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2016 14:52 - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

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By Sal - 9/2/2009 18:32 - United States

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

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By itsnotyouitsme - 20/4/2016 18:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting it on when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

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By failure - 28/6/2009 01:00 - Australia

Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded 'but there is nobody else ugly enough.' FML

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By AFSDALK:AFSDQWE - 23/11/2013 18:33 - United States - Hillsboro

Germaphobe

Today, my boss made me cover for him by working two extra hours, because he had to rush home early to deal with an "emergency". The emergency was taking a shit, because he claims to have a phobia of doing them anywhere but at home. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 11:04 - India

Today, I left my brand new iPhone on the counter, and went to get its cleaning cloth. My grandmother saw a mosquito, and used my iPhone as a fly swatter. I now have a broken iPhone. Good news though: no more mosquito. FML

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By KillingMeSlowly - 11/10/2015 03:37

Today, I realized that my two year old likes to help with the groceries. And by help I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML

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By Miss Spasticator - 26/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 02:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

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Top comments

By UselessWeeaboo1 | 21

#7595347 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 3:08

Tell him to get off his ass and go to the bathroom like a normal person.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7595373 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 6:31

Get him a chamber pot!

He was born about 200 years too late!

COMMENTS

By s2kname | 9

#7591445 - Saturday 27 January 2018 1:12

oh bottle pissing its an art.

By UselessWeeaboo1 | 21

#7595347 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 3:08

Tell him to get off his ass and go to the bathroom like a normal person.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7595373 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 6:31

Get him a chamber pot!

He was born about 200 years too late!

By Aurora94 | 20

#7595374 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 6:33

Get him a diaper. He needs one if he can't use a toilet like an adult

ChakatBlackstar | 29

#7595779 - Wednesday 7 February 2018 3:09

Don't knock it till you try it

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7595384 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 7:51

Maybe less fluids before bed and some kegel exercises? Most men can hold it overnight unless he is older man.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7595391 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 8:24

He should be able to hit the bowl now that he has honed his aim pissing in a bottle.

By dexter420 | 21

#7595403 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 9:02

Tell him you are gonna save the bottles for sex

By Akitakat | 31

#7595485 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 14:03

You're just jealous that it's not that easy for you to go too. ;)

By Pooly_D | 7

#7595499 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 14:33

just get him a sand box or sth.

By OCD_NME | 17

#7595595 - Tuesday 6 February 2018 18:26

What? He doesn't even have a pot to piss in?