Today, the cashier asked if I wanted to donate $1 to help hungry children. I said, “Not today, thank you.” The man behind me loudly said, “Wow…” Now everyone thinks I hate children. I'm just that broke. FML
Today, on day one of opening my first restaurant, a customer complained his chicken fried steak contained only steak and no chicken. I thought he was taking the piss but no, he was just that dumb, and he refused to leave until he got a refund despite having eaten it all. I had to call the police. FML
Today, trying to battle this addictive social media act, I currently have only one profile with my name or face. In my phone the apps I have are FML, Grindr, and Pokémon Go. FML
Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML
Today, my ex is doing with his new girl all the things I begged him to do during our relationship. She gets Just Because flowers (he only got me flowers once and complained how expensive they were), trips (he told me he hated traveling), and apparently an engagement ring (he said he didn’t believe in marriage). FML
Today, after years of no contact, my brother texted me for my birthday. I replied, "You and your son are doing great I hope!" I then came to find out that he hasn't seen his son in 500 days and his ex refuses to let him see his son, since she has full custody and he is back on drugs. I didn't know and was genuinely hoping for him. FML
Today, I finally told my crush I liked him. He smiled and said, “That’s sweet, but I thought you knew I was seeing someone.” I laughed awkwardly and said, “Of course, I was just joking!” Then I immediately tripped over my own bag while leaving. FML
Today, I came home from work to a shouting match between my husband and my teenage son. What were they so riled up about? I'm still not quite sure. Something about the podcaster who was shot recently, and whether his wife is now "grifting" or not. I actually used the phrase, "Go outside and touch grass." FML
Today, during my first day at my new job, my manager told everyone to “share one fun fact about yourself.” I panicked and blurted out, “I once accidentally washed my passport.” Everyone laughed, which was fine until my boss said, “So that’s why your background check is taking so long?” FML
Today, I showed up to work at 6am, only to find out the schedule was changed. I wasn't actually supposed to be there until 9:15. My boss never told me this. I didn't get to go home either, he just said, "Oh well. Get to work." FML
Today, I had to sneak a ladder into a cemetery at midnight because my husband got drunk with his buddies, decided to visit his mother's grave, and in the dark he fell into a fresh grave and couldn’t climb out. Not many women can say they’ve seen their husbands climb out of the grave I suppose. FML
Today, I unwittingly told the barber, “Do whatever you think looks best.” He got creative. Forty-five minutes later, I walked out with a haircut that made me look like a backup dancer in a 1990s boy band. My girlfriend said, “You're going to have to wear a beanie if you want to walk around with me.” FML
Today, I spent an hour blaming my dog for a weird smell in the house. I even gave him a lecture about “being a good boy.” I later realized the smell was coming from the ham and cheese omelet I'd left in the microwave two days ago. FML
Today, after a five day bout of severe chronic constipation, I decided to get some orange juice and increase my water intake. The good news is that I'm no longer constipated. The bad news is that I've got diarrhea now. FML
Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I'd gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student here. This happens all the time. FML
Today, I tried cooking dinner from scratch for my date. Everything was going great until I realised the “icing sugar” I'd sprinkled all over the dessert was actually flour. She took one bite, coughed, and said, “So you’re more of a Uber Eats kinda girlie?” FML
Today, I realized that if I run out of cigarettes my husband wants nothing to do with me, and when he hits me during a mental breakdown it's all my fault cause I had it coming. He's 40 and acts like this. FML
Today, I was showing my new “smart home” setup to my friends. I said, “Alexa, dim the lights.” Nothing happened. So, louder: “ALEXA, DIM THE LIGHTS.” Still nothing. I kept yelling, getting increasingly dramatic, until one of my friends said, “Bro, your Alexa is unplugged.” FML
Today, my parents informed that the man I'm going to marry had made it into the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents. Trying to make a good impression, so when her dad asked how we met, I jokingly said, “She just couldn’t resist me.” Her mom smiled and asked if we used pet names. Without thinking, I said, “I call her my little burrito.” Her dad choked on his drink, and my girlfriend whispered, “Why would you say that?” FML
Today, I was doing squats in front of the gym's mirror. I noticed the guy next to me giving me weird looks. I assumed he was judging my form, until I realized I was standing in front of a wall of mirrors that reflected the women’s yoga class behind me. To everyone else, it looked like I was just staring at them while squatting aggressively. FML
Today, at the dentist, I was trying to make myself comfortable while he did his thing to my teeth. While my mouth was full of tools, he asked, “So how’s your day going so far?” My reply came out as, “Mrrgh purr blobby noff nay blobby blobby.” The dentist laughed and said, “I was kidding, you’re not supposed to talk right now.” FML
Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML
Today, at my local pub, I discovered that three equally toxic women were having a contest to see who could take me home first. I'm an emotional (and not very attractive) person who spent the year dealing with a tragic breakup and I don't do hookups. These women know this and STILL waste my time trying to gaslight me. FML
Today, I overheard my coworkers talking about how someone has been stealing lunches from the office fridge. Feeling guilty, I admitted that I took a sandwich yesterday, thinking it was free. Turns out, they were joking to see who’d confess. FML
Today, while watching the morning news, I unexpectedly saw myself! Too bad I was looking puffy at a pizza buffet, loading up my plate. I have tendinitis in my arm and wrist, and the NSAIDs hadn’t kicked in yet. At least I dressed up that day, though. FML
Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML
Today, I tried to take a cute selfie in front of a café window. I didn’t realize there were people inside, specifically the café staff, who were watching see me posing, pouting, and flipping my hair for a full two minutes. When I finally realised they were there, they gave me the thumbs up while imitating my poses. FML
Today, I was having a heated argument with my boyfriend over the phone. Mid-sentence, I yelled, “You never listen to me!” Alexa, from across the room, replied, “I’m listening.” My boyfriend started laughing so hard that he hung up. FML
Today, I’m getting a divorce because apparently, when you send your now soon-to-be ex wife a live photo and she presses on it, you can hear your mistress speaking in the background. FML
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