The best jokes about life

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Today, I asked the guy of my dreams out to the cinema. After saying to me "It's a date!" I started booking tickets. He said, "Why are you booking two?" I looked at him confused and then he said, "What about Dave? Dave? My boyfriend." FML

By Ouch - Australia - Port Melbourne

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Today, I was trying on wedding dresses and didn't realise I had started my period. I managed to ruin 6 dresses before I noticed. The company wants me to pay for them. I can't afford it. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

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Today, I built a computer with 8 graphics cards that were really expensive. Yeah, they all blew up except the one that cost half the price of the rest. FML

By Lala - United Kingdom - Dollar

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Today, I was going to have sex for the first time, but when my girlfriend and I got naked, I couldn't get it up. I eventually got hard but it involved me thinking about the time I accidentally saw my girlfriend's brother naked. I think I may be gay. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond Hill

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Today, it only took 25 minutes of working before I was covered in old man pee. I think that's a new personal best. FML

By weezie757 - Canada

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Today, I made a little girl cry. How? She saw my face, got scared, and ran away crying. I thought I wasn't that ugly. FML

By MystalBlue - Netherlands - Utrecht

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Today, my mother called me while she was shopping to tell me that she found a unicorn onesie. When I asked her to buy one for me, she started to laugh and told me that they are for teens, not for "old goats" like me. I'm 21. FML

By UnicornCinnamon - Romania - Cluj-napoca

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Today, my mom's boyfriend's son stole from me again, this time it's my $4000 gaming laptop. I confronted them about it, and he ignored me as my mom yelled at me to "Grow up and quit my whining about toys!" When I told my buddy, he said to just beat him up. I would, if only he wasn't 10. FML

By THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!!! - Philippines - Pasay City

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Today, my partner heard the cat about to puke and shoved her off the bed. I found this out in the morning. With my foot. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

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Today, I sharted. While I was naked. Standing on a new carpet in my girlfriend's bedroom. In front of my girlfriend. FML

By SSS - United Kingdom - London

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Today, we left the cat alone all day for the first time in months, and came back home 11.5 hours later to three enormous puddles of vomit. We then spent $450 at the vet only to find out that our cat is perfectly healthy. He just has separation anxiety. FML

By caittorr - Canada - Saint-jean-sur-richelieu

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Today, I accidentally opened my dad's sex tape. For the second time. FML

By traumatized - Canada - Joliette

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Today, in bed, my wife took her vibrator and started masturbating. Feeling excited, I went down to help her. She told me to knock it off 'cause she couldn't focus. FML

By BackedOff - Belgium

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Today, my girlfriend and I went hiking in the mountains. She didn't tell me that she had packed meat to cook in my bag. About two hours after we set out, a wolf attacked me but I pepper sprayed it and it ran off. After that my girlfriend looked at me and said "You didn't have to hurt the doggy." FML

By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Plovdiv

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Today, while my 8-year-old was at school, I got a call saying that he shat and peed himself and then attacked a girl with his shit. FML

By sicko - Egypt

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Today, I was sitting on my balcony at night when the house across from me had a light that started blinking. I know Morse code and the messages said, "Help, I am kidnapped." Naturally, I called the police, but it was just some bratty kid. I'm in trouble for wasting police time. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

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Today, I reached my goal weight. My arms and legs are thin, but my face looks horrible and my belly didn't reduce an inch. FML

By nabru - Brazil - Florian?polis

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Today, my cat got stuck under the dishwasher. After getting her out, I put her in the washroom to prevent her from bugging me while I closed off the bottom of the dishwasher so she can't get stuck again. She locked herself in the washroom by opening the drawer directly behind the door. FML

By Joy - Canada - Winnipeg

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Today, for lunch I bought a burger, fries and milkshake. As I went to sit down the milkshake spilled all over the table, in my failed attempt to catch it I also managed to spill my fries all over the floor. FML

By sarita - Canada

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Today, while teaching my brother to drive on the freeway, I told him to downshift from 4th to 3rd. He went into 1st instead, blowing my engine and transmission. I can't afford to get it fixed. FML

By willkftw - Australia - Blackburn

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Today, I had a job interview for my dream job. Then I got a call saying it was cancelled because of a policy change that was issued this morning. I applied over a month ago. FML

By Girl - Netherlands - Amsterdam

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Today, after a 3-month dry spell and countless rejections, I gave up on being intimate with my girlfriend. Imagine my surprise when she came on to me and took me to bed. What triggered the love-making? Apparently she got horny from looking at an anime character's cleavage. FML

By Notarealwaifu - Japan - Kunitachi

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Today, when I came home, my dildo was placed in the middle of the bed. I last put it in my drawer. I only live with my dad. FML

By idaaan - Sweden - Karlstad

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Today, my gallstones flared up so badly an ambulance was called. I needed the strongest painkillers they could supply and had even more at the hospital. When my boyfriend came to visit me, instead of comforting words, he told me that "being kicked in the balls is still worse". FML

By OwieOwie - United Kingdom - Tewkesbury

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Today, I felt an itch on the small toe of my right foot and brushed away what I thought was a large flake of dry skin without thinking. Turns out my entire toenail fell off. According to my mother, the same thing occasionally happens to her "for no apparent reason". FML

By Deciduous - Australia - Gungahlin

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Today, I was going to put up wallpaper in my bedroom, so I asked my stepdad to switch off the electricity as there was an output on the wall. I started to cut out the wallpaper to fit and accidentally stuck my finger in there. The power was not off. An ambulance had to come check my heart rhythm. FML

By fail2.0 - Sweden - Skinnskatteberg

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Today, I broke up with the guy I've been dating for 6 months. His response was to destroy my $200 Japanese chef knife. I'm an apprentice cook and that knife means the world to me. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Westerose

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Today, I was at the mall with my 7-year-old granddaughter. When we entered a clothing store, she pulled me back, saying loudly, "Grandma! This is 'Forever 21'! 'Currently 58' is down that way!" I blame my son for this little troll. FML

By Damn millennials! - Philippines - Taguig

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Today, after I ran and just caught the train home after work, it took me 4 stops to realise I had driven to work that day. FML

By rachgirl6 - Australia

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