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Today, I got into a minor car accident. No one got hurt, but the person that hit me was my father. Everyone thought he died 8 years ago. FML

By WaitWhat - / Saturday 18 November 2017 08:16 / New Zealand - Auckland
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By BarefootNoMore - / Friday 17 November 2017 00:00 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, my horse and I got into a disagreement over the jumps. I thought "we" should be going over them. He thought "I" should be going over them instead. FML

By AkaiKitsune - / Wednesday 15 November 2017 16:30 / Canada - Victoria
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By Paracelcus - / Wednesday 15 November 2017 04:00 / United Kingdom - London
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By Dontplayjokes - / Monday 13 November 2017 06:00 / United Kingdom
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Today, I woke up to a red, raised, extremely itchy rash covering my whole body, face included. I have an 18-hour bus ride to look forward to this afternoon. FML

By Maz - / Sunday 12 November 2017 15:00 / France
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By Joe Dirt - / Sunday 12 November 2017 07:00 / Kuwait - Kuwait
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By BetterThanWastingItIGuess - / Saturday 11 November 2017 13:00 / Panama - Panama
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Today, after being hit by a car, I got up and hobbled to work instead of the hospital because no one else would cover my management shift. FML

By Anonymous - / Friday 10 November 2017 18:00 / United Kingdom - Derby
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By ShinyLadybird15 - / Thursday 9 November 2017 00:30 / United Kingdom
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Today, I was strolling along a sidewalk when I noticed that my shoelace was untied. As I knelt down to tie it, my brand new $1,000 phone fell out of my pocket and into a storm sewer. FML

By Phonessed - / Thursday 9 November 2017 08:00 / Australia - Balwyn
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Today, I showed my dad photos from my first fun night out in ages. His response? "You look at least 6 months pregnant." FML

By sazz - / Sunday 5 November 2017 03:00 / United Kingdom - Shepperton
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By CathRoy - / Friday 3 November 2017 19:30 / Canada - Sherbrooke
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Today, I woke up duct-taped to the toilet in nothing but a straitjacket. I don't remember what happened. FML

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 1 November 2017 20:00 / United Kingdom - Poole
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Today, at work, a customer I've never met before congratulated me on my gender transition and told me how brave I was. I'm not transgender, I'm just short and baby-faced. FML

By Shorty - / Tuesday 31 October 2017 14:00 / United Kingdom
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  Today, I heard what sounded like high-pitched feminine moaning coming from my son's room. I knocked and walked in, expecting to catch him red handed with a girl. He'd just beaten his high score on Flappy Bird. FML

By royallymessedup - / Tuesday 31 October 2017 05:00 / United Kingdom
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Today, I was having sex with a guy I really liked when he suddenly stopped and, while still inside of me, told me that he didn't "do relationships". FML

By "Ohholypuff" - / Sunday 29 October 2017 04:00 / United Kingdom
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Today, in the early hours of the morning, two of my wisdom teeth simultaneously began emerging. In my haste to get painkillers, I accidentally smacked my recently broken foot on a door. FML

By Ouch - / Saturday 28 October 2017 14:00 / United Kingdom
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Today, I realised that it is, in fact, not a great idea to put aftershave on your freshly shaven balls. Whenever I move it feels like Satan himself puts my genitals into a fiery pit of needles. FML

By Sonofaquiche - / Friday 27 October 2017 05:00 / Germany - Schweinfurt
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Today, after my dad declared that Rick and Morty is a terrible show, I caught him watching it and laughing his ass off. He grounded me. FML

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 25 October 2017 05:00 / United Kingdom - Kidderminster
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By Jihnyq - / Tuesday 24 October 2017 08:00 / Ecuador - Quito
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By Why Dad? - / Saturday 21 October 2017 00:00 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, a friend sent me a video of my boyfriend of 2.5 years and the girl I "shouldn't be worried about" on a date at the restaurant he claimed he hated. FML

By Anonymous - / Saturday 21 October 2017 05:00 / Denmark - Viborg
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Today, the friend I recommended for a job at my workplace is getting fired for being one of the worst people they have ever hired. FML

By Worker - / Saturday 21 October 2017 01:12 / Australia - Forrestfield
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Today, I have to defend my bachelor thesis, which took me 10 months to complete. Three weeks ago, a new technology was released that renders my entire work obsolete. FML

By Anonymous - / Thursday 19 October 2017 19:00 / Germany - Berlin
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Today, I found out that I get incredibly, disgustingly ill if I eat anything before or during a flight. I discovered this 4 hours into a 23-hour flight to Greece. Only 19 hours of nausea to go. FML

By killmepls - / Wednesday 18 October 2017 14:00 / Australia - Saint Lucia
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By Anonymous - / Wednesday 18 October 2017 00:30 / United Kingdom - Poole
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By wait, what - / Tuesday 17 October 2017 21:00 / United Kingdom - Southampton
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Today, during a romantic shower with my girlfriend, I slipped, fell, and took the both the shower curtain and rod with me. My dignity hurts more than my butt. FML

By "Alex Neiva" - / Monday 16 October 2017 19:30 / Canada - Toronto
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By Peridot - / Monday 16 October 2017 19:00 / United Kingdom - London
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