Miss Houston TX, United States 30 years-old Single
Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML
Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML
Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML
Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML
Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML
Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and, about 30 seconds in, he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek, and leaves. It turns out that he'd already came. I called his phone - wrong number. FML
Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML
Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marine's Girlfriend." I'm a straight 16 year-old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML
Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML
Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year-old daughter out to eat. Halfway through our "date" she asks me loudly, "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML
Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I took a late night drive, and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything. I replied, "Guess." He came out and gave me a box of tampons. Apparently, I've been bitchy. FML
Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML
Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML
Today, I took the family to the Rainforest Café. There was no parking and I hate having to pay $12 for valet parking. I parked at Walgreens across the street in the only spot without a "Patrons only, violators will be towed" sign. It was covered by the tree branches. It cost me $225 for the cab and fine. FML
Today, was my first day as a bouncer. I was a bit late and didn't meet all the staff. Later that night, some fairly drunk guy was trying to force his way in, I told him we were at capacity and that he would have to wait. He kept trying and I ended up pushing him to the floor. He was the owner. FML
Today, while working as a plain clothes police officer, I witnessed a fight in a front yard. My partner and I intervened and clearly identified ourselves as police. Unfortunately, the two guys' mother didn't have her hearing aid in, and hit my arm with a baseball bat. FML
Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML
Today, I was walking through the streets with my best friend, feeling confident in my new skinny jeans. My friend said, "you really should be wearing a thong with those pants, your underwear line is showing". I was wearing a thong, those lines were just my fat rolls. FML
Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML
Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML
Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it, hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 minutes and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say, "Oh, cool." FML
Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML
Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML
Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML
Today, after I got off work, as I walked into the house, I noticed something running across the floor towards me and out of complete terror I kicked it halfway across my living room, not knowing what it was. Turns out it was my roommate's new puppy. FML
Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML
Today, I found out that the friend I stayed up with for nights on end, talking out of depression and suicide, has "politely" posted up on Facebook that he secretly hates me. FML
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