Miss 32 years-old
Today, I was supposed to perform my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage, my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by, and now I'm on my own. FML
Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML
Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML
Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "Oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML
Today, a man on the train asked me if I had any change. I quickly responded with, "No habla ingles." He then tapped me on the shoulder and said, "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML
Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML
Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly, all while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend I was quitting the town baseball team. She said "Great. Now we can get someone with actual talent on the team." I laughed because I thought she was joking. She then replied "What's so funny?" FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML
Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys… the whole lot. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML
Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML
Today, I got pulled over for speeding and got a $200 ticket. After I pulled away, I decided to warn the next car about the cop up ahead by flashing my headlights. The next car was another cop. He didn't appreciate my "help". FML
Today, I went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. There was a hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML
Today, I had a bath in the bathroom we are currently renovating. There's a big hole in the middle of the floor. When I got out of the bath, I swung one leg across the gap to get a towel from the rack. I drew back my leg and looked down to see my brother's hot friend staring up at me in horror. FML
Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML
Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML
Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML
Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML
Today, waiting for the bus, this creepy guy in the terminal kept staring at me. Feeling creeped out, I started walking, knowing I could pick up the bus down the street. When the bus drove up, it was almost completely full and the only open seat was next to the creepy dude from the bus station. FML
Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML
Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML
Today, I overheard my best friend's wife telling their kids to pay attention in school and stay focused on their goals so they don't end up a failure in life like their father's friend, Matt. Hi, my name is Matt and I'm the friend. FML
Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a dent, and set the alarm off. FML
Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML
Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML
Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML
Today, my heating broke. It's 22 degrees outside, and my father won't let us call someone to fix it because apparently the cold helps the soul grow. FML
Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML
Today, the soon-to-be father of my baby told me he thinks I'm an extremely selfish person, and that I don't love him. His reasoning? I haven't given him a back rub in two weeks, sleep too much, and have a hormonal problem. Once again: I AM PREGNANT! FML
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