Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML
Today, I saw my mom's Facebook profile picture for the first time. It had all of my family members in it. I was cropped out. FML
Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML
Aujourd'hui, mon père m'a annoncé qu'il a eu une fille quelques années avant de m'avoir et qu'il ne l'a jamais reconnue. Il précise aussi qu'il a choisi lui-même mon prénom à ma naissance. Prénom identique à celui de son autre fille illégitime. VDM
Aujourd'hui, de nature très timide, j'ai mis un an à me faire un ami au boulot et pour qu’il m'invite enfin à faire une soirée chez lui. Ma femme, elle, n'a mis que deux semaines pour être invitée dans son lit. VDM
Aujourd’hui, c’est officiel, l’esthéticienne qui me fait le maillot intégral est plus en contact mon intimité que ma femme. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon patron me dit que l'arrêt maladie duquel je reviens était un peu trop long. Effectivement, 7 semaines pour le retrait d'une tumeur au cerveau, j'ai peut être abusé. VDM
Today, my roommate left those powdered donuts in the kitchen. Hungry, I decided to try one. Turns out, the white powder wasn't sugar. It was cocaine. FML
Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML
Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML
Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML
Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as Nerf darts. FML
Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML
Today, my wife stopped mid blowjob because it tasted too clean, like my mint shower gel. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable, aggressive orgasm that I'd be celebrating my efforts, if only in the process she hadn't knocked over my new expensive laptop, which then split in half. FML
Today, I was playing with my 5 year-old neighbor. I was changing and he saw me naked. Then he went home and his parents came over. Apparently, he told them that I have beautiful boobs. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML
Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML
Today, I found my best friend's girlfriend on a webcam site. I then told him, and his only response was, "Yeah, I know, that's where we met." FML
Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML
Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML
Today, I finally got a Christmas gift, a calligraphy set, for my father that I have been looking for for a month. My dad came home happily with the same calligraphy set today, saying that he surprised himself for Christmas. He got it cheaper than me. FML
Today, an email appeared in my inbox saying that the final this week that was supposed to be on Saturday has been moved forward to Thursday. It’s Friday. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML
Today, I went to the hairdresser and changed my hairstyle drastically. It wasn't until she was nearly done that she said, "I just KNEW this style wasn't going to suit you." FML
Today, I was headbanging so hard to a song in the shower that I hit my head on the wall and got a concussion. I'm now in hospital. FML
Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink as an urinal. FML
Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
