Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML
Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later, he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML
Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML
Today, I received a birthday card from my dad, over a week late. It was addressed to me using my maiden name, the enclosed check also made out to me using my maiden name. I've been married for over 10 years. FML
Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML
Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends to come round and have some fun. When I got home, I saw a few cars outside. It turned out to be for the neighbours. I waited and waited; none of my friends showed up. FML
Today, it was another stressful day of watching servicemen at my job trying to figure out what broke an extremely expensive and essential machine. I'm just waiting for the day they finally discover the earring I dropped into it about a week ago FML
Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML
Today, I woke up with my cat's asshole planted firmly on my forehead. FML
Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML
Today, I sat down for class. The second I sat down, the guy next to me stood up and moved all the way to the other side of the class. FML
Today, I helped my orchestra teacher out and played with a double quartet for a faculty meeting. When it came time to introduce us, he called out the names of the seven other students and then admitted in front of everyone that he'd forgotten my name. I've been one of his top students for 3 years. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML
Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML
Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML
Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML
Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML
Today, I found out my father's girlfriend is moving in with us. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. FML
Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going to Barnes and Noble, and having to poop while I was there, I realized I've trained myself to have to poop every single time I step into a Barnes and Noble. FML
Today, I parked in my "employee of the month" parking spot by the front of the store and started my shift. About halfway through my shift, a customer backed into my vehicle, got out and checked, then drove off before I could come outside. Perks of being the best employee I can be. FML
Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML
Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML
Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML
Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML
Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML
Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a mutual decision but I was curious as to what he thought went wrong. "I was just never sure if you brushed your teeth regularly." He cheated on me twice. FML
Today, I noticed I've been an Amazon Prime member for 2 years and never knew. FML
Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I'm now his boss. FML
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