Rhett_15

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

Make your mind up

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

Disappointed

Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML

Souvenir

Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML

But…

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

Stolen valor

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML

Thanks, I guess

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML

Today, I set a trap to catch a mouse that ran across my foot. Not only did the trap shut on my finger twice, but I watched the mouse run over the trap without it snapping shut. I guess I have a new roommate. FML

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

Lost the fight

Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run…" then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML

Today, I woke up while staying at my friend's house. I saw the bathroom light on, so for a laugh, I got up and quietly pennied the door. After laughing at him struggling to open the door, I decided to let him out. Turned out it wasn't my friend in there; it was his dad. FML

Today, I witnessed my very overweight cat trying to jump over my fence, only to shit himself half way up, and then land in it. FML

Congratulations!

Today, my ex-boyfriend got married to the girl he told me was his sister. FML

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

Tis the season…

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

Go on…

Today, at Christmas dinner, my grandmother talked about the death of every single dog she ever had. All 10 of them. FML

Today, my mom got me a Christmas present. Since I'm a whovian, she thought it would be cool to get me what she thought was a sonic screwdriver. It was actually a dildo shaped as one. I opened the gift in front of my entire family. FML

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML

Judgmental much!?

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

My best friend

Today, my boss came back from a two week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone, but the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

Return to sender

Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while." It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML

Cool beans

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like, "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with, "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full." He's the owner of the shop. FML